John Gunter

Thoughts on Life and Living

Singleness, “becoming the right one”, and personal development

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My brother-in-law, (Dr.) Kevin Bracher, and I at our graduations. It was fun that we happened to walk on the same day, he with a PhD and I with a master's. (We were TRYING to looks scholarly on the right. . . we failed.)
My brother-in-law, Kevin Bracher, and I at our graduation. It was fun that we happened to walk on the same day in 2004, he with a PhD and I with a master’s. (We were TRYING to look scholarly on the right. We failed.)

Well, I think I am FINALLY closing out this series “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . .)” with these next two posts. I honestly thought I would do a post or two on this subject of singleness, but now this will be my 10th over the course of five months. Thanks for being so enthusiastic about this series! I never thought I would enjoy writing on the subject, but this has been the case.

Since I have dealt with the theology, perspectives, principles, benefits, and even heartbreaks of singleness, I thought it might be helpful to jump into some the helpful practices I have adapted (or seen in others) over the years in order to thrive in singleness.

These “practices” are not unique to singleness, as many of them I would be doing, to some measure, even if I were married. However, singleness has both sharpened my intentionality in these areas and also given me the time and resources to do them with greater intensity [Read more…]

4 “big picture” principles on living the single life well

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This post is from “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . .)” which I have been writing off and on, for the past three months. You can find the other articles in this series if you CLICK HERE.

Driving the Todd girls around. . . one of the families whom has opened their family to me.
Driving the Todd girls around. . . one of the families whom has opened their home to me.

There are entire sections in book stores on marriage. What does it mean? How to thrive within marriage? How to deal with marital conflict? Etc. . . .

However, I’m pretty sure no such sections exist for singleness. Cards on the table. . . I have never looked. Wish I could now, but being in Asia makes this type of practical research impossible.

It is with this motivation that I have been writing this series on singleness.

Yes, there is much difficult with being single. However, there are practices we can follow and habits that we can form to help us thrive, and not simple survive, within singleness.

Here are a few big-picture principles I have embraced in living my life which have helped guide my singleness.

1 – Serve the world around you with the energy of a family man (or woman)

One of the benefits of being a long-time bachelor is that I have had the opportunity to see many of my friends get married and have children. As I have observed, families take a ton of work! I really admire my friends who are great parents. There is no short-cut in parenthood. It is an exhausting, all-encompassing endeavor.

In my singleness, I have tried to be equally committed to my calling, with as much effort, passion, and commitment as my friends with children exert. Their lives are 120% about serving their worlds around them (their kids; if they are good parents), so why should mine be any different?

In marriage, as in singleness, we are called to give our lives to the world around us. For marrieds, this is obvious where your priorities are lie. With singles, our priorities are not as obvious, but

[Read more…]

The role of infused beauty in my life (“softening” a single dude)

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Zach Galifianakis in all his glory.
Zach Galifianakis in all his glory.

I am a guy. I like guy things. Sports. Competition. Adrenaline. Guy movies. Guy humor.

My humor embarrasses my sweet nieces, Anna and Kathryn. They love me, as I do them, yet when I say something which I feel is funny, they inevitably don’t like it. They like me, just not my humor. They are beautiful, tender, and sweet. I am not.

My apartment is practical, yet barren. I have more devices and gadgets than I do serving plates. Wires and extension cords are everywhere. I have comfortable chairs, yet they are ragged and old. While my apartment is generally clean, my walls are also, with not one single picture hung throughout my entire living quarters.

Additionally, the people I spend the bulk of my days with are men. Both in work and in life. Both single and married. The common fabric of men is that we are generally, on average, well, um, gross. We say crass things (even married guys away from their wives). Hygiene is not our top priority. Not even a top 10 priority. Restaurants are chosen by factors of quantity, taste, and price; NEVER by the aesthetics or food presentation. Never.

So goes the life of a single male. . . at least this single male.

A few years ago, I realized something fairly obvious to most, yet which had never previously occurred to me. Married men have a natural beautification, a natural softness in their lives that I do not have in my own. Wives are a wonderful blessing to men. Among the many wonderful blessings, wives bring beauty and tenderness into the lives of their husbands. As time was going on, I felt this lack of beauty in my own life was affecting me. It was making me more coarse and “hardened” than I wanted to be. . . and as Kathryn and Anna would attest to.

Moreover, I am convinced that all men WILL seek beauty; it is just a matter of whether it is legitimate or illegitimate. Unhealthy (or illegitimate) substitutes for beauty men will sometimes gravitate towards are things like  [Read more…]

The blessings and joy of singleness

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This journey of writing about singleness continues. . .

One of the trips I reference towards the end of this article. . . a random camel herder and I in the Arabian Desert a few years ago.
One of the trips I reference towards the end of this article. . . a random camel herder and I in the Arabian Desert a few years ago.

When is the last time you read something with a title like, “The blessings and joy of singleness”?!?!?!

Much has been written about the pains and problems of being single. It’s everywhere in the media. Many TV shows, if you think about it, have either primary or secondary themes of singles on the never ending pursuit of finding their purpose and meaning in life, i.e. their spouse. Singleness is portrayed as a necessary evil, a holding pattern, until life FINALLY begins at the marriage alter (or at least at the “happily committed in a stable relationship” stage). You find your partner, ride off into the sunset of contented, relational bliss, and. . . roll the credits.

However, there are great aspects of being single. There really are! I promise. For those of us who are Christians, the Bible is clear that there is great purpose, and even in some cases preference, in remaining single.

The main text in the Bible on this subject is 1 Corinthians 7:32-34.

The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.

Paul talks clearly here about the advantages of being single. His main point is that in not having “divided interests” we are free to simply think about Christ and the values of His kingdom. I know this is a difficult perspective to maintain in the midst of the trials of singleness, but it is true.

Along these lines, here are some of the reasons I am content in, and even grateful for, my singleness.

  • Serving the world around me in a special ways: I honestly love being used in a way that builds others up in their faith and/or just makes their lives more pleasant in general. I think we are all this way. Whether it is coaching little baseball (as I did as a single before moving to Asia) or being able to get out of bed and help dear friends (Michael and Beth Gregory) with their injured dog (as was the case with the venerable Albus), I love being able [Read more…]

A letter to a friend (girl) regarding dating Christian men

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This article is from a series I have been writing called “My thoughts on singleness (a series). . .” If you like, please CLICK HERE to read the previous articles.

Taken on the island of Koh Lanta, Thailand with my phone. . .
Taken on the island of Koh Lanta, Thailand with my phone. . .

A few years ago, a female friend of mine was struggling with the prospect of dating Christian men. She was new to faith and had dated much prior to becoming a Christian. She was struggling with some aspects of the culture of Christian men.

Though I have shortened and taken out some of the personal content, I wanted to post our dialogue on a rather important issue. I hope you will find this helpful.

The first part is an abbreviated version of her email to me. It is followed by a similarly abbreviated form of my response. I know what I am saying will be controversial on many fronts. Again, I do not pretend to be an expert in this area, but just a guy trying to bring his faith to bear in all areas of life. This area of singleness is just one of them.

Dear John,

I’ve been writing an e-mail to you, in my mind, for weeks, now. Here it is.

Do you know I’ve only ever dated non-Christians? (remembering that I’ve only been actively seeking God for the past year) I can see that dating Christian men is a whole different ball game, to use a metaphor you’d like. 😉

Have been bumping up against the notion of automatically ruling a man out because he’s not a Christian, yet have also seen, through observing couples at church and talking to pastor, how incredibly intimate and fulfilling it could be to share yourself, share your time, share your heart, with someone who puts God at the center of their life, as well. That being said, Christian men, speaking in generalities, can sometimes seem, demasculinized. [Read more…]

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