As I type this, I am on yet another LONG flight. This one is trans-Pacific. By my count (you do things like count flights when bored on a LONG flight), this flight will be the 55th time I have flown over the Pacific Ocean. Add to this the 20 times I have flown over the Atlantic Ocean (not to mention flight from Asia to Europe), and long flights are one of the few things I can truly say I know well.
In honor of my vagabond lifestyle that I have lived for much of my adult life, I am going to do a LONG flight blog or two. This first one will be on the characters that I often see on these flights.
- The “I can’t stay awake” guy – This guy gets on board, settles his bags, fastens his seat belt, and IMMEDIATELY starts the involuntary forward head bob. He can’t wait until the flight gets up in the air in order to push his seat back, so he risks serious back injury by simply leaning forward the entire time. The seatbelt keeps him still, yet is also the reason way he won’t be able to walk when we stands up for the first time in a few hours. I envy these guys, I really do. I have trouble sleeping in sterile, comfortable settings, yet these guys seem like sleep while standing up is not out of the question. I took a picture (see above) of these “I can’t stay awake” guys whom are currently sitting to my right.
- The “sleep the entire flight” guy – Closely akin to Mr. “I can’t stay awake”, yet with a slight difference. This guy waits until the flight gets in the air, then can sleep for days on end while flying. These masters of the REM cycle can weather the longest of flights with no problem. I have no problem with them, but it is rough to be sitting on the inside isle next to this guy. My friend Pat Ku is this guy. I once saw him fall asleep while on the runway in LA and not wake up until Beijing. Incredible.
- The “angry about my seat” guy – These guys drive me crazy. Look, we all have these cramped little seats. . . don’t kick my seat in protest every time I want to recline! Complain to Boeing or Airbus, but not to me. I didn’t make the plane, I just simply paid for the right to use this seat as designed. There was a lady on a flight last summer that kept literally yelling at me. I finally had to put her in her place. It was a bit awkward, but the line had been crossed.
- The “first time fear” guy –This guy has never flown for more than 2 hours and is TERRIFIED at the prospect of being in the air for 14 hours. I feel for him, I really do. I was him. He always survives and treats you like your his best friend once the plane touches down at the destination. He might as well have come out of the delivery room to announce the birth of his first child he is so relived to be on the ground. . . practically giving out cigars to randoms in celebration.
Here is a typical squattie. . . - The “wear socks in the bathroom” guy – You have to understand that many places in the world do not use toilets as Americans know it. They use squatties (essentially a hole in the ground. . . see pic to the right). Parts of Europe and most of Asia fall into this category. For many, international flights are the first time they have used a sit-down toilet. I say this to state the simple fact that LONG flight airplane bathrooms are disgusting. Revolting. After hours on end of people missing the same toilet, the floor is a virtual cesspool of filth and disease. YET, this guy still pushes through and enters the bathroom wearing nothing on his feet but socks. I actually warned a large American male about this while I was standing by a bathroom stretching when he walked up to use it. He acknowledge my statement, let me know his socks were already dirty, and proceeded to step into a room with a floor glazed over with a mix of urine, water from laboratory runoff, and saturated toilet paper. Now, I usually try to not judge people, but this man was repulsive and is not to be trusted.
There are more characters on these LONG flights, but these are the ones that I am noticing on this particular flight. These five guys seem to appear every time the plane door seals and doesn’t open back up for at least 10 hours.
God bless them all!
In my next post, I hit on my tips for making these flights more bearable. CLICK HERE to go to this post. Make sure and notice all of the comments on both of these posts!
John, one other type I would cite. This is the “I know it’s only 10 am but the drinks are free in the first cabin so I’m going to pretend it’s Saturday night” fellow. I have seen folks consume remarkable quantities of alcohol on long flights, beginning at times of day I associate with breakfast and the morning papers. I’ve often wondered if cabin crews have any guidance as to whether and when to cut off the tipplers. Usually they either become very quietly happy or quite loud and demanding. Either way, better to not be between them and the aisle!
Scott, hilarious. . . I’ve thought the same. A gin and tonic is usually not associated with breakfast, but seems like many flight passengers think it is!
yes i have seen people drink the free booze in the day time too..then look dishevelled & tired when plane landed. Plus dehydrated.
i cannot imagine a woman who would yell at You…she was probably on substance abuse too.
Yeah, I think she was just a cranky person. I didn’t see her drink, but maybe she did when I wasn’t looking.
Never mind that the lady yelled at you; I’d love to hear what you said to awkwardly “put her in her place.” Love awkward moments on long flights.
Glad you enjoyed it! I let the lady know that if she had a problem with the seat going back, take it up with Boeing. They made the plane, not me. I did, however, pay good money to rent that seat for 14 hours and I would use the seat as Boeing designed it. She relented.
Dude… I loved this entry. However, you left out SEVERAL people. Honorable mention (minimum of two to MANY sightings have been made of each):
– The Drinker (already explained perfectly by Scott, but since you’re focused on coach class with this blog…): This guy slaps down 50 one dollar bills on his tray table, and he’s ready to party. He typically is also “Hilarious Pick Up Lines at the Flight Attendants” guy(By the way, they typically cut you off after 4 rounds in business class, so I’ve been told).
– The Air Marshall Wannabe: This guy stares at everyone with an investigative eye, talks up the flight attendants like he’s on staff, shifts his waist ban a lot as if he’s packing, and jumps everytime someone walks down the aisle. In reality… he reads too much. He’s a distant relative of “Everyone on the Plane has bad Intentions” guy.
– The Talker: Tries to use the flight as a Linkedin opportunity. This guy (along with Initative Evangelism on the Plane guy) should be restrained, preferrably with what Anthony Hopkins had to wear in Silence of the Lambs.
– The Desperate to Upgrade: This guy’s mad to be amongst the sheep, and spends the whole flight trying to get to the front. This includes demanding better meals, toilet facilities, headphones, etc. He’s awesome.
– The Row Hunter: This guys stalks the aisles before take-off, pillow in hand, eye mask around his neck, hunting for three together. When he fails, he sleeps all over you.
– The Smoker: This guy is outstanding. Chews gums, plays with his seat-belt, tries copenhagen for the first time, is VERY angry at everyone, chews straws, chews seats.
– The First Time Parent: International adopted infant? Check. No clue what they’re doing? Check. Sheer pain and chaos? Check. These folks should charter a plane.
– The “Parent by Committee” folk: 4 or more kids with them, named after obscure minor prophets, no parenting, running through the aisles with wild abandon, you’re expected to help. These folks need their own plane as well.
– The Laugher: This guy watches the movies, laughs loud, makes comments, provides plot coaching to the actors. He’s awesome too.
– The Extradition Victim: He comes on in handcuffs, with two escorts, sits near the toilets, and tries to act like Air Marshal guy.
Tim. . . hilarious! I don’t even know where to start here. My personal favorite is “The Talker”. I feel guilty about how much I loath this guy. I just want to be left alone, so please just sit there and look forward. Please!
Gunter- I loved this- and obviously if you just flew Canadian airlines you’d never have to deal with such people, because everyone in Canada who flies has their to go coffee, booze and fries and gravy!!!! 😉 Canada is a wonderful place!
Great points, Hope. . . you might be a little biased, though! I loved my brief stay in Canda this summer. Hopefully one of these days I can visit you guys. Eric and I were just talking last night how we miss you and Jazz already not being around!
I would count myself as the first type. I have had many a flight where I sit down and then wake up startled hours later to discover that we’re well into the trip!
Dude, you are the guy that can almost sleep standing up. Always admired that about you. . .
Is this Autry?
No, but it very well could be. Nobody sleeps like Autry, not even this guy!
Excellent work John. I look forward to the follow up post of how to make these trips more bearable. Usually I’m going bonkers after about 4 hours. Everyone’s normal until you get on a 14 hour flight with them. And yes Phil, I would pay for your abilities to clock out and grab stand up naps at will.
I actually like the adopters, though the ones I’ve met have all been experienced parents, not first timers. I’m a dad and I like helping other parents. It makes the flight go faster and more than one newly adopted kid has stolen my heart on long flights.
Nice call on the adopters. . . always fun to see them at the beginning of their new journeys! I completely agree.
I can give some perspective on being on the other side of the seat going back, or in my case not going back. Being over six feet tall, my knees are squeezed into the back of the seat in front of me with no room to spare. I have actually yelled out in pain when my kneecaps were almost crushed by the metal bar of the tray table as the person in front of me attempted to recline their seat. So if you attempt to recline your seat when I’m sitting behind you, you might find that you have to take it up with Boeing, not me.
I understand your pain here, but not really since I’m only 5’9. However, I do think there is give and take in this case. With this lady, I let her sleep for 7 HOURS on her on her tray and didn’t go back. I didn’t wake her up. Once she woke up and I was thoroughly exhausted, then I let her know that it was my time to sleep. Thanks for your thoughts, Karl!
Oh my goodness, I am the “I can’t stay awake” gal! Haha.
John, I would like to address some things airline people do. Your sister is probably one of them.
Renaming events to reduce fear – “In the event of an unscheduled water landing” really means crashing and dying in the ocean.
“You may pre-board now” – How is that ? You simply cannot board before you board. It defies the laws of physics.
“You may now get on the plane” – I’d rather get IN the plane. I find it much less windy that way.
“Welcome to Atlanta” – Who is this stewardess coming on like the mayor’s wife ? She got here THE SAME MOMENT I ARRIVED.
“The local time is 2:30 ” Local time ? Of course it is local time, did you think I want the time in Botswana ?
“This is a non-stop flight” – Whoa ! I prefer my plane stop, hopefully at an airport. Those cornfield landings tend to interrupt the flow of my day.
Just some of the things that get under my skin.
This was hilarious! As a child and teenager, long flights were great times to sleep – no longer. I too envy those people who can conk out and wake up in the next country. I was on a US red-eye a while back. They distributed drinks as we were taking off and I ordered a cup of tea with sugar and milk hoping it would make me drowsy. No such luck. The guy next to me ordered 2 scotch on the rocks, drank them both, and woke up in Chicago – I think he had played that game before!
Thanks Melissa! Yeah, the straight liquor thing seems to be the “sleep aid” of choice for most people, doesn’t it?
Hey John,
I wandered onto this page and read this post as I have also traveled on international flights a fare amount. I loved the level of detail about the bathrooms and the socks-gross…true. I am not a fan of the lights that stay on the whole night, and the pain that comes from my poor attempts to conform my body into a ball so I can sleep in my seat (bc I can only afford the cheap seats 🙂 is terrible. I think my preferred departure time is 9pm Eastern, preferred connecting airport-Amsterdam. Stephanie
Ok-just read your friend, Tim’s, comments…so funny…I also agree with you-can chat with folks for a bit, but then prefer to be left to work, watch a movie, or sleep…
Yeah, the whole sleeping thing is perhaps my biggest issue. I hope one day I will be magically transformed into a flight sleeper!
What a funny list! 🙂