This post is from my series called “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . .)“. To read an overview and previous posts from the series, please click here.
Let me clear the air about where I am in life. I am a single male. I recently passed the dreaded precipice of 40. I live in Asia and have lived here for most of the past 12 years. My work does take me back to America a few times a year, but my adult life has largely been invested in a country far from my own, in cities and neighborhoods far different from my native Atlanta.
In spite of this, I am a normal, red-blooded American man. I’ve come fairly close to marriage a few times, but nothing has reached fruition. In college, I NEVER would have imagined that I would be single at age 40. The very mention of the possibility would have made me laugh in a loud, animated fashion.
However, here I am. I’m single and in an environment with very few relational options. Very few.
And do you know what? I am okay with this. I really am.
In this article, I am going to talk about three perspectives regarding singleness which I have embraced over the years. They have made my life rich and free from always longing to be where I am not: married.
Yes, I do get extremely lonely. Yes, I do still hope to be in a happy, Christ-centered marriage one day. However, these three principles have been very helpful for me in keeping perspective amidst singleness.
First, singleness is NOT a disease to be cured, but rather a stewardship to be lived. . . just like marriage. Many single adults treat their relational status as something to change at all costs. This has been the cause of many ill-advised relationships. It absolutely breaks my heart when I see friends “settle” for bad fits rather than being called into a union of equally yoked partners.
I have been there. I have moved forward in relationships with women who, though they were great people, were just not heading in the same direction which I was confident the Lord has called me toward. Had we pushed forward, I would have been married to a beautiful and Godly woman, yet
our hearts would have been in very different places. In these cases, I am certain the Lord protected both the women and me from settling for the good over His best.
Second, singleness is an OPPORTUNITY; it’s not simply something to be avoided, nor a condition from which one must escape. I talked about this in a previous post. . . it is GOOD both to be married AND to be single. Neither status is prefered or superior in God’s eyes, just different.
I know, I know, we just roll our eyes when we hear this referenced. However, having been freed from the responsibilities of marriage and children (wonderful responsibilities though they may be), we single men and women are wide open to serve and enjoy the world around us with reckless abandon. This is a wonderful thing!
I dream of a day when single American men and women will see their singleness as a way to give sacrificially to those in need of the Gospel. Imagine what a city like Atlanta or Nashville would look like if the thousands of single Christians truly viewed their singleness as an opportunity to care for the widows, orphans, and fatherless of the city. Imagine. It would be astounding.
Instead of lives filled with social gatherings, awkward blind dates, and self-centered time wasters (college football, video games, etc.), we could look for ways to serve the world around us.
If we singles would systematically organize to advance the love and message of Christ Jesus to our spheres of influence, places like Atlanta would be clearly changed for the good. Mission fields in places like Asia and the Middle East would be much better resourced. AND along the way of sacrificially serving, singles would meet like-minded people who would make sensational life partners in marriage!
Third, for those of us followers of Christ, the very term “singleness” is a myth. We are NOT alone. We are not destined to walk this world as hopeless vagabonds who will die miserable and alone. As believers in Christ, we are already His bride. While it has taken me a while as a man to embrace this imagery, it is true for all of us.
We are also part of a world-wide family of brothers and sisters. I can serve and love the children of those around me as my own, because Biblically, they are directly members of my family.
I am blessed to have eight wonderful nieces and nephews (see pic above). I have invested much in their upbringing, knowing that they are also my joy and privilege in helping to disciple and build into. Same goes with the children of my friends here in Asia. I can serve my married friends in need of breaks from the rigors of their home-life, give them “date nights” with each other, AND build into their children (two of my favorite are with me above. . . Noah and Maddox) in the love of Christ and be a part of their development. What a joy!
Do I hope to be married one day? Absolutely I do. I pray for this regularly and encourage my friends and family to do the same for me.
Even more so, though, I want to be a faithful steward of this life with which God has blessed me. I want to view wherever I am in life as an opportunity granted to me by my Heavenly Father, not as a burden to be disparaged, disdained, and fought against. Finally, I want to embrace the reality that I AM NOT ALONE as a child of God.
I am both infinitely valued as an heir of the Kingdom of God and as the redeemed bride of Christ. I have been adopted into and given leadership within this wonderful family of our Heavenly Father.
(Please click here for the next article in this series.)
AMEN! What a great perspective! One needs to really know the Lord in order to enjoy the season of singleness, make the most out of it, use it for noble purposes and for His glory and not give up on love. Keep serving and trusting Him!
Thanks! I enjoyed looking in at your blog this morning. Looks great!
Happy Monday John! I am new to your blog (read your article on Ruthie Dean’s blog) and can’t tell you how much I appreciate your perspective on singleness. Your attitude towards this season in your life and your heart after God even in the midst of extreme loneliness is truly encouraging. I especially appreciate hearing this from a man’s viewpoint (a rarity!) as most blogs, articles, etc. I’ve come across are a woman’s take on singleness.
I am in my mid-thirties and also never, ever thought I would arrive at this time of my life unmarried…However, God continues to be “enough” even though, like you, He knows my heart’s desire is for marriage. God created us for Himself and longs for us to “comprehend…what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that we may be FILLED with all the FULLNESS of God.” (Eph. 3:17-19) AMEN!
Thank you so much for blogging on this topic! Looking forward to hearing more next week!
Thanks, Amy, for your kind words! Yeah, the blog world seems to be one dominated by women. It has been very fun and rewarding for me personally to be a part of it. Thanks for your thoughts on sigleness. We are definitely going against the flow in broader society in fighting for contentment in this phase in life. Hope you are well and thanks for your comments!
Did you really label college football as a “self-centered time waster” in the same camp as video games? Clearly the persepective of a Tech grad….
The benefit of being a life-long Tech man. . . becoming a football couch potato is not much of a temptation. I’m still committed to printing everything you say as is, no matter what. . . please be kind.
Loved your thoughts & i agree those who are single have ministries to their Forever Family, Children of the Living GOD as well as leading others to a relationship w/CHRIST. You are a tremendous Blessing & a huge part of our family. This is just great & inspiring to me as i will be 70 this year & You help keep me focused on what really matters.: Being available wherever GOD leads me.>
Thanks Mrs. Clarke. . . I’m honored to be a part of the extended Clarke family!
Good Morning John! What a great way to start off my week by reading your latest on Singleness. You have a heart of Gold and I marvel at your views on life as a single man. You are serving the Lord in so many ways, your life if full of joy, and you bring a smile to my face just knowing the work you are doing in Asia. The world would be a better place if we had more men like you, you live simple so others may simply live. Again I loved your article and I love You!!! Hugs!!!!
As always, thanks for your kind words, Jane.
Great great post Gunter. Can’t wait to share! (And we LOVED having you here last week, hate it was so short)
Thanks Anne Marie. . . we definitely need to figure out how to be neighbors again (I really miss being around you guys day in and day out)!
John, just a beautiful set of thoughts, thank you very much! God’s grace is abudantly clear in your words.
And, as I’m sure you know, you have loads and loads of extended family members …. brothers and sisters in Christ … at home and around the world, me included! In addition to being a doting uncle, you are also an older brother, a younger brother, etc. etc.
I really appreciate your embrace of the bride of Christ imagery …. a little tricky for a man, but very important as well.
Scott, as always, thanks for your input and kind words. You are definitely one who has been a great brother in Christ to me. Look forward to when we can sit down over a meal again one of these days. Please give your family my best!
Really enjoyed your thoughts on singleness so true…Singleness is a gift after all which not so many appreciated and as a result….. lots of divorces among Christians. Singleness actually means that we are married only to Him until the third person comes along ……and if we learn to be happy in our marriage with Him than for sure we will be happy all the time ……God bless you as you continue to serve Him and enjoy your marriage to Him……:)
Alina, great words! Very sharp and clear. Thanks for adding to this article!
John, I was deeply encouraged by your words on singleness. I was with one of the CQ groups in EA back in 2006-2008. I am married now to a wonderful man. But, I think many of the principles you mentioned are true for both single and married people. As a married woman, I still have the joy of finding my identity in being part of the Bride of Christ – what joy! And as much as I love my husband, it is my identity as part of Christ’s bride that gives me the greatest hope of all. Take courage, Brother, as you continue to walk with Jesus…single or married!
Courage,
Amy
Hey Amy, great hearing from you. . . it’s been quite a while! Thanks for your words. Hope you are doing well!
John, these are very sobering thoughts! Thank you for sharing with us what you have learnt over the years. Grasping all these 3 will lead into living a content single life. If all of us singles grasp these, we would not see people rushing into marriage so as not to feel left behind.
Glad that you have embraced the fact that you are not alone…never will as long as Christ is by your side and I am praying that His will be done in your life.
Thanks, Tatuu, for your comments! You are always quite encouraging. Thanks and have a great day!
Thank you so much for sharing – you have done a wonderful job of laying out what I have held/lived in terms of singleness. I’m in a similar boat – been on the field for 19 years as a single. It has its challenges and frustrations, but the rewards of being used by God far outweigh the “negatives”. Blessings on you in your ministry!
Great perspective. . . thanks for speaking up here!
Great article, John. It was brought to my attention by several of our single women missionaries, who especially appreciated hearing from a man on the subject. I’ve re-posted it on our Member Care site http://mtwemc.wordpress.com. If you look there you’ll find some other resources on singleness. Paul M
Paul, thanks for letting me know people with you guys are encouraged by this post! Thanks for re-posting it. . . I am truly honored you would do so. I am friends with Bob Burnham from Atlanta, so please give them my best!
I was a worrier, diving into the world of non-believers like a shark, picking souls, actively proclaiming God! Ended up married to a non-christian, painful and one-sided marriage. Looking back… still do not want to be single. Good luck.
Thanks for your perspective on this. . .God bless!
John. As always great words made all the more meaningful by knowing who they come from. As a fellow traveler with a similar perspective, I know how much friends in Christ mean along the journey. They are our family. They are the ones that we experience the highs, the lows, and the myriad experiences that we face. They are the ones that we know are there when we need them. As we’ve said before, if only the church would truly embrace the unique men and women in their midst as the focused point of the “spear” of their ministry (1 Cor. 7:32-35), rather than just more fodder for the “pre-married” class (or “singles ministry”). Oops! Better not go on a tangent, lest I should start my own blog! I can say that I’ve been blessed with a unique situation here in DC these days. I am part of a vibrant church that is over 80% single with an average age of 28! It is amazing to see what this group is doing and can accomplish. It is also exciting to see more and more married and retired couples coming along side to support, encourage and provide familial environments for these active men and women. Maybe we can share more via email, as all I wanted to do was encourage you and say, Press On brother. You continue regularly to be in my thoughts and prayers. In His Grace and Grip!!!
Bob, great to hear and, as always, your wisdom is apparent. What church are you a part of now? Really encouraged to hear of your experience there.
National Community Church, otherwise known in DC as the Theater Church (http://www.theaterchurch.com/). One good sign – their m program is exploding in all the right ways!
A very timely post…. been thinking about this a lot recently… one of my resolutions for 2013 is to take advantage of my singleness! Excited to see how the Lord will use me!…. enjoy your blog…. keep it up!
Great to hear, Eva. . . may God bless you 2013!
Many times Christians, who are single ,are made to feel that their role in the Kingdom are insignificant, but the beautiful truths that you have written show the important role and responsibility we have in the Kingdom of God. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Rachel. . .
OK, so a man’s perspective on singleness is fairly similar to a woman’s… 🙂
The “scenery” is looked at from a vantage point, though, I think. Being John Single seems easier to me than being Joan Single, socially at least. Where I live, the latter is totally something to be avoided, a condition from which one must escape. At all costs.
I don’t even find it in myself to write about singleship, let alone mine. Anyway, I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. Single and Satisfied! :p
Thanks for the comments, “Joan Single”. . .have a great day/night.
Hi John,
I just wanted to send you a note, and say that I read your blog on the : Three perspectives on singleness (what has kept me sane). And it touched me very much. In the last month, this is the 4th time that I feel that God has used someone or something to encourage me.
I can relate to you, as you said that you would have never imagine being single at 40, I am 36 and I think these thoughts all the time. I wonder sometimes if what my life would be like if I were married. Both my younger brothers are married and yes it does get lonely sometimes.
I realize though that Satan is out there to discourage me and is trying his best to get me to settle for less.
My theme last year was Hope and this year I believe that is Patience. I am learning that God has his own timing for everyone and I know that His plans are way better than mine.
I was able to go on 2 mission’s trip and I’m going on my 3rd one in 2 weeks. I am so thankfull to God for having these opportunities, that I might not have had if I were married with kids at this point in my life.
Anyways, not sure why I wrote all this, but I just wanted to say Thank You for Sharing what you did
Thanks for sharing, Corrine, and letting me know how you are processing things. I’ll actually post an other article today or tomorrow that will be one big comment to this comment. Thanks!
Thank you so much for your transparency. I can agree with much of what you have written in your singleness series, as I am a 40 year old single, never married woman. I have waited for God’s best for a very long time and like you have almost married a few times. I am so thankful that He showed me that in each case, it wasn’t His best. In fact, after my first serious break-up 6 years ago, I was totally devastated. The Lord asked me a question; he asked if He was enough for me. I said YES and He showed me that even if I never marry or have kids, that when I get to heaven, I will not miss these things as we will be so enraptured with Him!
It does get lonely, but I am so grateful for amazing, godly friends. I am an “auntie” as well, to many of my friend’s kids whom I adore. I have been able to do so much ministry as a single woman that I would not have had the time for as a married woman, so I am grateful for this. I trust Him so much, but it is hard sometimes. Thankfully, He understands!
I have been a teacher for 15 years and the Lord showed me a few years ago when I was having a hard time with all of my friends getting married and having kids that I have been able to touch hundreds of kids’ lives over the years. I have been a “mom” to many of them. God is so good to us and many times we don’t see it. We are so blessed! God bless you in all your endeavors in Asia and keep writing. I am a writer as well and thoroughly enjoy your perspective. Thank you!
Thanks for your thoughts here. While having our own children is a wonderful thing, you are right on saying that truly can “own” the raising of the kids in our spheres of influence. I’m certain the Lord has multiplied your life over many fold through your faithfulness as a teacher. It is a wonderful profession built around serving and molding kids.
You really are correct in focusing on many of the advantages of being single. I’m going to post an article on that next week (I hope!). It will be repetitive for you, though, I fear!
Thanks for the compliment in calling me a “writer”. Not sure I would put that distinguished title on myself, but I appreciate the compliment.
Thanks for adding to this post through your comment. . . God bless!
I love this.
I stumbled over to your blog from another one. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouraging others. Definitely blessed me today.
Thanks, Debbie. . . encouraging to know you enjoyed it!
Thank you for your blog. I appreciate these words and encouragement. I just turned 33 yesterday (of course I thought I was turning 32 until a few weeks ago 🙂 and people constantly am confused by why I am single and are always secretly trying to figure out what is “wrong with me”. I lead a small group and really feel like my singleness is the main reason God has me leading it. I know God has called me to encourage, equip and challenge other single women to embrace where God has us so He can use us.
Thanks, Becky, for chiming in. Great perspective! I agree, as I get to do many, many things that I am certain would be impossible to do if married. Still would love to be married one of these days, but only with the right situation. Thanks for your words here!
While surfing numerous sites on singleness, I chanced upon your blog. I’m 36 from India and yes single. I belong to a hindu family but have accepted Jesus as my lord, god and savior two years back. Ever since my journey with lord has been amazing and I so agree that you are never alone because Jesus is always with you. I could relate to everything you have written and I’m content in waiting for God’s best for my life.
Great hearing from you, Sujata! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story.
Just looked at your blog. . . looks great!
Thank you John. Your blog on singleness is a real encouragement and I especially like the bit where you say even if friends and family mean good and pester you to get married, don’t get affected by it. 🙂 🙂
I probably should have said “ESPECIALLY” when friends and family mean good and pester you!
Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed the article!
Thank you for sharing this, John. As a single Christian woman of 35 I am often asked by other Christians why I am not married yet. As the years have gone by, fewer smiles follow that question as they begin to wonder, really, why isn’t she married? I know very few Christians my age who are single and the idea of ‘singleness’ is treated almost as some kind of disease that needs the cure of marriage. Do I hope to be married one day? Yes, I do. Do I also realize that it is possible I may spend my life without every being married? Yes (though, of course, I’m told if I just prayed about it a little harder, maybe it would happen). While the statistics are jumping at me saying the likelihood I’ll ever get married now, or ever have children, is slim, I have had to learn to trust more completely in the Lord to guide me through life (“Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” Prov. 3:5-6). It is not easy, but then neither is marriage (so I’m told). Married people and single people both need to but the Lord first. By doing that I am always in a loving relationship, one that is modeled imperfectly in marriage and in our churches. I have everything I need already. Marriage would be a different path and learning experience, but it is not the essence or goal of life. We are here to glorify God and there is nothing in the Bible that says this is only possible if done in pairs. Again, thank you for being one of the few Christians I’m come across to actually write about singleness in an authentic way.
P.S. I, too, enjoy the wonderful role of being an aunt to my niece and nephew. I have been able to devote myself to them in a way I would not have been able to had I also had young children of my own. I count my time with them as much of a blessing as if they were my own children.
Hey Heather, yeah, I love being an uncle to my eight neices and nephews. . . just wish I were a little closer to them!
Thanks for adding to this post through your experience and heart. Since writing this, I had another such difficult conversation about singleness (https://johngunter.com/singleness-conversation/ ) with a close friend. You might enjoy reading it also!
Thanks for reading and adding to this post through your insights and wisdom.
Blessings!
Hi John –
We don’t know each other but I came across your blog through the singlematters online magazine and it has already been such a blessing and an encouragement to me! Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart with the WWW. It sure is good to know that even if we’re single we’re not alone! A truth God has etched in my heart this most recent season as well. And I’m now officially subscribed…. God bless you.
Angela, thank you so much for letting me know you have read and enjoyed this article! Very encouraging.
Have a great day and God bless you also!
Dear John, (No, this is not one of those “Dear John” type of letters!:) I just wanted to thank you for your website and especially this part of your blog that I am forwarding on to my son who I just cautioned last night not to get impatient and end up with the wrong mate. I love your take on being the bride of Christ, and he also just mentioned to me by phone, when making an April Fool’s joke on FB that he was getting married, and He said to me, Jesus could be considered his “spouse” but wasn’t sure how to word it. So he said her first name was April and last name Fools! He has been experiencing some unfair “biting and devouring” by a/some/several “Christian” fellowship leaders. I was searching on the location of this scripture and came across your excellent comments as to how you wish, especially Christian leaders would quit making jibes at other Christians, and I have since lost those comments, as following one link to your website has led to this great section on Singleness. I have been married before and was left, not by choice and have raised two wonderful sons, and am “old enough to know better than to reveal my real age!” and do not worry about Singleness any more and I concur and have tried to share these same principles with my eldest son who is a year or two older than you and he’s been told by one “Christian ‘friend’ ” that by the world’s standards he is a failure. And one very critical “Christian” leader continues to pester and nag him when he will stick with one church and gossiped about him to some of the students in this regard. I tell him I do not see where it is in the Bible that he must only go to one church, and I believe Paul and Jesus are some of the best examples of that. He Loves the Lord and is active in several fellowship groups in several churches. He has talked about going to China and other places in the world for ministry and I will most definitely share your blog with him. Please pray for him as when he was first saved he wanted to be a missionary immediately and was cautioned to wait, and he gave up all and went to Bible college and got his degree in pastoral theology as well as a Master’s in TESOL, and was looking into various international and other options when he had an injury he is recovering from the side effects of a stroke due to doctor error. He still serves the Lord and thank the Lord has had foot surgery that has helped the pain in his right foot due to the stroke. He still plays several musical instruments and loves sharing the Lord through music and tried to start a church where he lives. Again, criticism from the same “leader”. (..and thus my search on the scripture in Galatians about biting and devouring one another!) Thank you for your ministry and may the Lord bless and keep you as you keep on “pressing on”! (My email is taken from the verse in the Bible that says, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended; but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:13-14
Thanks, and God bless! (Sorry this comment has begun my own “blog” on your comment page!)
Thank you so much for the encouragement here and for letting me in on some of your story!
Grateful for your kind words regarding this blog.
Good word. Thanks, John!
Thanks, Hannah!
Nice Post.. Was reading Gospel coalition and linked to you blog. I am 51, an engineer and never thought I would be single. I did not grow up as a Christian but always wanted 4 boys. If my finances ever get in order I may try foster. BTW.. I have lived in Israel, Germany, and have visited others.. It would not be possible with a husband. Blessing!
Thanks Suzanne for your comments and thoughts here. . . great getting your perspective!
There’s a lot of good stuff here, but this phrase is telling:
“Had we pushed forward, I would have been married to a beautiful and Godly woman, yet our hearts would have been in very different places.”
There are plenty of godly, single women who would love to be married and who would make excellent, loving, godly wives.
Maybe if guys would give the godly, but perhaps not-so-beautiful-ones a shot, both sides would connect with each other more often!
i agree. more people wouldnt be single if this was the case.
Good thoughts! As a pastor I think we have been remiss in teaching our singles and congregations as a whole your positive perspectives on singleness. I plan to look for opportunities to remedy this in my own congregation.
Thanks, Pastor Brown! I’m actually now working for a church in Los Angeles. We are planning some singles seminars for the next few months. Looking forward to thinking more about this, as our church is about 60% single.
Thanks for reading and commenting!