Twenty years is a long time. Twenty years is but a moment in time. Today I feel the acute juxtaposition of being caught between these two statements.
Twenty years ago today, my friend and brother in Christ, Philip Andrew Clarke woke up in the house we lived in on Ethel Street in Atlanta, Georgia and he entered eternity a few hours later.
Twenty years later, Phil is still on my mind, in my heart, and, honestly, Phil has been reflected in just about every substantial decision I have ever made in life. This statement sounds strange, I know, but it is true.
Today I have been simply looking over the picture above. Though grainy in quality and awkward in pose, this picture is in a frame above my desk at work. It is of Phil and me in college. I don’t remember who took this picture, but I am grateful for it. Looks like someone was trying to kill the last picture before getting a role of film developed (if you don’t know, “developing pictures” is something we did in the 20th century before iPhones. . . strange, I know). I am grateful it was taken.
I love this picture, because it is a reminder of the eternal value of friendship. I have often written about the power of friendship and its role in my life over the years in this blog, so I won’t say much more here. I wrote an article specifically about Phil and my friendship (CLICK HERE). However, I will say Phil’s life and untimely passing cemented this value as one which has always and will always be of immense importance in my life. In seeing this picture, I am reminded of this.
I love this picture, because it reminds me that life is too short to take myself too seriously. Phil had a way of balancing the seriousness of life and faith, while bringing levity and laughter to pretty much every room he entered. I loved this about him. I don’t remember the particular day this picture was taken, but I am certain we had both been laughing AND spurning each other on to pursue Christ to a greater extent that day. I can say this with confidence, as this characterized everything we did together.
Phil took his calling as a follower of Christ seriously, but not himself. His faith in Christ was of supreme importance to him, but this never prevented him from enjoying life to the fullest. Joy was always his front foot. Always. I need this reminder, as I often let the cares of this world weigh me down. This picture reminds me of spending time with Phil and his unique gift of faith commitment and levity in life.
I love this picture of Phil and me walking back from the laundry room at my then apartment complex, because it simply reminds me of spending time with my friend. I miss times like that most of all with Phil. Just the everyday experiences of doing life with a best friend.
It is hard to believe that 20 years later I still legitimately miss Phil and his friendship, but I do. I honestly do.
I wish he were here. I really do. I’ve missed not doing life with him, even if it had been on different sides of the globe. This thought alone still brings tears to my eyes, even twenty years later.
However, as I sit in this coffee house in Los Angeles missing my friend, I am filled with a sense of honest and heartfelt gratitude.
I am grateful that the patterns of friendship I learned from Phil have carried me through life so far.
I am grateful that Jesus, who was so present in Phil and my friendship, is still present and active in my life and in the lives of those who were closest to Phil.
I am grateful that in heaven we will all again be reunited, but without the hindrances of this present age. Then there will be no frustration, pain, and confusion. Fear will be a thing of the past, as will tears.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. – I Corinthians 13:12
On this day, twenty years to the day after the then unimaginable happened, I am grateful for memories of my dear brother in Christ, Philip Andrew Clarke.
If you would like, I have written a few other articles on Phil and the impact of his life and death. Death at 22 (but a life-long impact of friendship), A life well-lived. . . the eulogy of Philip Andrew Clarke, 3 invaluable lessons from the death of a best friend, The vitality of “leaning into pain” and The moment Tracey and Phil met.
Thanks for sharing this… Brings tears as I read it. I read recently how in loss we have to learn to be friends with sadness and joy. Sounds like you have lived that well, as you have leaned into your pain. loving well is costly, but as you know, worth it! I miss Wade everyday and especially at this time. Praying that God will bring comfort in the bittersweet.
Blessings,
Jennifer
Jennifer, it is such a process. I can only imagine how much you miss Wade. He was truly a heroic person to many of us, I can only imagine how much more so to you.
Thanks John for writing from your heart.
Thanks Sam. . . hope you guys are well!
Really great post John. Phil was such a clear example of salt & light in this world.
Bryan, hard to believe it’s been 20 years. Hope you are well. . . I am still yet to find a dentist here in LA!
Beautifully written and what a Great friendship you two shared. I really enjoyed this post, it shows how we can’t take things for granted, we never know when our time on earth may end. Thanks for sharing! Hugs!!!
Thanks Jane. Great hearing from you!
What a great testimony of a life of faith & friendship. Praying that you will be surrounded by friends like Phil & that God will continue to be “a shield around you, your glory & the lifter of your head” (Psa 3:3).
Great passage. . . thanks for adding it here!
Can’t wait for the day when Jesus will make all the sad things come untrue…
I agree, Amy. Hope you are well!
I also lost a close friend and housemate in college quite suddenly. It changed the trajectory of my spirituality and shifted my approach to life. It’s been about 20 years for me as well, and your thoughtful post brought her life and vitality to my mind. Thank you!.
Thanks Melody. I appreciate you letting me know and commenting!
Thank you for writing about laughter and “enjoying life to the fullest”. I was just taking a dissatisfied look at my blog, silent since April… :/ lacking the courage to write because everything around us has become so serious.
I’ve had the most exhausting year in my whole soon-to-be-40 life. Plus, I live in a modest European country where one day is more challenging than the other.
But I don’t take myself too seriously either. Only God and that keeps joy and laughter alive.
Great post, again. It hasn’t brought any tears, though, only smiles and your friend Phil, in my imagination, bringing laughter all around.
Hey Iulia, very good hearing from you. Yes, I have also had such a hard time carving out the time and energy to write much. Hopefully that will change for both of us!
It’s been six months. Time for a new post? How’s life in LA? How is your ministry going? Would love to hear about life from your new vantage point.
I hope to get back to writing one of these days. . . life just always seems to be too busy!
Hey John, I just discovered your blog (after we became FB friends last month), and, as a blogger, myself, I am keen to read the writings of others. This post of yours strikes such a chord with me. I never met Phil Clarke, but I remember attending Christmas Conference in Atlanta at the end of 1995 and hearing of his death. At that time, my campus director (Drew Parsons–who passed away last year) was recruiting me to go on STINT in Romania.
I was reluctant to agree even to apply; I envisioned grad school for my future. Drew had told me of other students in our region who were interested to go to open up a new campus in Romania–one of whom was Phil Clarke. When I learned of Phil’s passing, I remember hearing real clearly from the Lord. If He were inviting me to be part of this opportunity in Romania, I could say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ But He didn’t promise to replace me if I turned down the invitation. I talked to my staff discipler about this, crying, and realizing that the STINT team would be one man short now that Phil was with the Lord. “If I’m needed, how can I say ‘no’?” I remember thinking. So, your dear friend made an impact on MY life, too–his life (and his passing) was a catalyst in my making that decision to go on STINT. It was a hard year in Romania, but an absolutely irreplaceable year, too.
Just remembering this makes me cry now, and I hope that if my sharing these brief words brings tears to your eyes, too, today, that they will be good tears. I look forward to meeting your friend and our brother in Christ soon and very soon. Blessings…
Hey Allison, sorry I am just now responding! This kind of got lost in the weeds for me.
Thank you so, so much for sharing this story and your thoughts here in the comment section. I have never heard the story, but it is in fact, very meaningful to me. I will pass this along to Phil’s brother and mom. It really continues to amaze me just how many lives Phil’s brief life impacted.
Quite amazing thinking about your story. Hope you are well, Allison. Thanks again for sharing the story!
❤️ SJ Murray
(I’m in Atlanta for a few days and he has been much on my mind.)
Twenty years later, Phil is still on your mind.
One year later, I still think about my mom every single night. She passed away on May 11th, 2017 before the Mother’s Day.
During the day, I tried so hard to live, to strive, even to pretend that I am ok. I know this is what my mom wants to see. At night, sadness, emptiness, loneliness and meaningless hit me like waves, sobbing uncontrollably. I realize that I am in insomnia, can’t fall asleep even for one second.
Read the article few times even back to last year on October. I tried to respond, and couldn’t put my feelings into words.
I know that one day I will see my mom in heaven, yet the reality that she is not here with me is just soooo hard to accept…
Nancy
Hey Nancy, I am so sorry to learn of your loss. It is painful to even think about all or your grief.
Thanks for letting me know you have read and enjoyed this article. One of the main reasons why I wanted to write these articles about the deaths of my two dear friends (Phil and Tracey) is that I found very few people writing on this subject. We ALL will deal with the passing of loved ones. It is crushing, but Jesus is still with us and will walk with us through it. Time also helps, but still the missing and longing never really does completely go away.
Honestly, that is where my faith is everything to me. Only in the hope found in Christ have I found comfort in facing the loss of dear friends and loved ones. It doesn’t mean the pain goes away, but it does mean there is hope in the midst of the pain.
Praying for you today, Nancy, as you continue to journey with the loss of your dear Mom.
Hey John, thank you for your reply. Reading your words can be really soothing to me. I read all your articles multiple times. Once I am reading your words, it seems that they are literally taking me to a peaceful world.
Thank for praying for me! I had a really good sleep last night. Wondering if I could ask, will you pray for me today or tonight, and continuing days?
Thank you for sharing your life experiences with us. Through your words, I grow more and more appreciation and admiration to you. Thank you for serving my fellow Chinamen for over a decade. Thank you for your love to our Savior and to my people!!! No words can describe my gratitude.
If you ever come to Midwest, stop by here, hopefully I can meet you and show you around.
Actually I Really Really Really want to say is that I want to invite you visiting Madison this summer or very soon. Summer in Madison is considered short. So people living here are taking advantage of beautiful weather, holding all kinds of festivals almost everyday. I hope that you can also taste of some. Madison is 3 hours away from Chicago. You can also make a trip to Chicago, and visit Wheaton Christian College if time allows. Or just simply explore beautiful Madison and surrounding area. There are so much to do.
Hope my genuine invitation doesn’t offend you.
Nancy
Nancy, thank you for your kind words and for caring enough to read and comment. Grateful!
There are many negative attributes of the internet, but one of the many great things is that we can connect with others around the world and be encouraged by them. Thankful this has been the case for you in this site. Praying for you again today.
I’ll keep you in mind if I ever find myself in Madison. . . thanks!
Please do.
Just want you to know that my invitation will be always open for you.
Hey Nancy, thanks for your kind offer of hosting me! If I am ever in Madison, I will definitely let you know. Thanks!
Hey John,
Really want to inform and to invite you to the world largest concert and picnic on the square, wondering if you’ve be interested in coming. They takes place at Madison around Wisconsin State Capitol every Wednesday nights from June 27 to August 1. Outstanding performances by Wisconsin Chamber Orchestra. It is quite a scene. Only two concerts left for this year. One is on next Wednesday July 25th. Another one is on August 1st. Each concert has roughly 50,000 attendees. Admission is free. It’s a great job that the city has offered to people in the summer. It’s also a great way to meet people. My best friend Nancy & George Petak can introduce you to local pastors and saints at this casual pleasant setting if you want to. I have known Nancy Petak for 5 years through BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). She was the coordinator. We carpooled every week, praying together, doing things together with her family. During my mom’s sick time, she grave me a great help. We have been close friends since.
The rest time I can show you around the city, sightseeing, attend different festivals and taste local gourmet cuisines, visit the world largest outdoor pools in Wisconsin Dells (the tourists town, 45 minuets away from Madison), the one and only Mustard Museum in the nation, Bucky on the Parade, numerous hiking sites and state parks.;.. I think you will enjoy every bit of it.
Most people want to revisit Madison over and over again during the summer once they have a taste of it.
I highly recommend you book a ticket soon and can catch next Wednesday Concert on the Square. Sound push? I know. (If does, my poor English.) Try to convince you there are so much fun and rare opportunities to eat while listening beautiful music with friends on beautiful summer nights in here. When winter/snow storm comes, there is not lot to do.
As a Chinese Christian, I really want to do something for you, a respectful former missionary to China. At least show you this beautiful city around since I have time, energy and abilities to do that.
Hope you give me this chance to show our appreciation to you. Will you be pleased to accept my invitation?
Nancy