This post is from “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . .)” which I have been writing off and on, for the past three months. You can find the other articles in this series if you CLICK HERE.
There are entire sections in book stores on marriage. What does it mean? How to thrive within marriage? How to deal with marital conflict? Etc. . . .
However, I’m pretty sure no such sections exist for singleness. Cards on the table. . . I have never looked. Wish I could now, but being in Asia makes this type of practical research impossible.
It is with this motivation that I have been writing this series on singleness.
Yes, there is much difficult with being single. However, there are practices we can follow and habits that we can form to help us thrive, and not simple survive, within singleness.
Here are a few big-picture principles I have embraced in living my life which have helped guide my singleness.
1 – Serve the world around you with the energy of a family man (or woman)
One of the benefits of being a long-time bachelor is that I have had the opportunity to see many of my friends get married and have children. As I have observed, families take a ton of work! I really admire my friends who are great parents. There is no short-cut in parenthood. It is an exhausting, all-encompassing endeavor.
In my singleness, I have tried to be equally committed to my calling, with as much effort, passion, and commitment as my friends with children exert. Their lives are 120% about serving their worlds around them (their kids; if they are good parents), so why should mine be any different?
In marriage, as in singleness, we are called to give our lives to the world around us. For marrieds, this is obvious where your priorities are lie. With singles, our priorities are not as obvious, but
just as urgent.
As is the case for all of us, Christ gave us two great places to go when asking the simple question of “how shall I then live?” The Great Commandment of Matthew 22:36-40 and the Great Commission of Matthew 28:18-20 provide our blueprint for living out our lives. This is the same for all of us, married or single.
Our priorities are to love God, love our neighbor, and move out into the world with the love and message of Christ with reckless abandoned. Being single, we are freed up to give the same effort, passion, and commitment towards our calls as our married friends are giving towards their families. Let’s do it!
2 – Serve your own family as much as you can (without making them an idol)
This has been a challenge for me personally, as I have spent the majority of my adult life 10,000 miles away from my family. However, I have constantly sought to honor my parents, no matter where I am. This has taken many forms and shapes. There have been periods of time where I have been pretty miserable at this. However, I have tried to do so, and I do believe the Lord has honored this. I can honestly say that my relationship with my parents is as strong or stronger than any of people I personally know, in spite of the geographic challenges.
My sisters and I have always been close and loving friends. I could not love and enjoy them more, as missing them and their families (as well as Mom and Dad) will bring me to the point of tears more than anything else in life. My biggest sacrifice of living overseas so far has been in being absent while my eight wonderful nieces and nephews are growing up. That said, I do try my best to serve all of them, even in my absence, especially when I am in America.
Serving my family to the best of my ability, within the context of the Lord’s calling upon me, makes my life much richer and fuller. This does not mean that I have catered my life around them, but it does mean that I spend real time and energy, no matter where I am in the world, to invest in my family in a substantial way.
WARNING: I do see some singles use parents and other family members as reasons to not take risks and move out into the world in faith. This can become an idol of sorts in the life of some singles. This is not at all what I am talking about here.
As married, we are called to be primarily concerned with the families we are put in charge of as parents. As adult singles, as Paul says, we are “freed up from the concerns of family”. This is our benefit to and way of serving the world around us.
Never use your family as a single adult as an excuse to not dream of making an impact in the world. Certain periods of time (family sickness, extreme cases of need, etc.) will call for making your parents your top priority, but not your entire life. I did this in moving back to America when Mom had cancer for a time period. The Lord does call some as singles to an extended time of caring for their parents (or siblings) as their primary calling, but this is few and far between. Just my thought. . .
3 – Seek to be a part of families where ever you live
The Lord has always blessed me richly with families whom allow me to be a part of their own. John and Julie Ellis when I first arrived in Asia. The Heads and Todds and several others in my old city. In my current city, the Musgroves, Littlepages, and Stuerts have all blessed me in so many ways.
All have opened their doors and allowed me to be a part of their families. This has kept me sane, emotionally healthy, enlarged my ability to serve and be served, and, I pray, has been a blessing to them.
It really should be a “win-win” process. Singles get the opportunity to help and be a part of a family who could use the extra hands and families get the opportunity to serve others by simply opening their homes.
Scott and Cat Littlepage, for instance, have me over for dinner every Monday night. It is a massive blessing to have their consistent fellowship and something I really look forward to each week. In the process, I pray I am blessing them as a family, especially to their wonderful children.
4 – Use your singleness to do that which singles do best
I won’t go too long as this, as I have already covered much in this previous post (CLICK HERE). However. . . serve and love the world through your singleness.
One reason why I bought a car in Asia is so I can better serve families which are around me. If a child gets sick or cuts his head open on a Sunday when clinics are closed, then I want to be available to get them to the hospital. Other marrieds can’t, as they have their own families to worry about. Not so with me, and I try to serve out of this. Please don’t ask me to change diapers, though, as I will gag!
If people need a place to crash for a night or two or a week; my couch is always open. Right now, I have the venerable Andrew Ols (a.k.a. “Smange”) in my guest room. My apartment in my old city, though only a two bedroom, one bath, was more like a European hostel. People travel in and out of that city all the time. My welcome light was always on.
If your family is struggling or your girlfriend just broke up with you (single friends, that is), I want to use my singleness to be available for such times.
Even more so, use your singleness to dream big God-sized dreams. Go for them as single adults and DO THEM!
Why can’t you be a part of resolving issues in your home city such as fatherless kids, widows, poverty, and illiteracy? I can assure you it exists, as I know it does in Atlanta. What is stopping you from moving to a section of the world in desperate need of the knowledge and love of Christ Jesus? Nothing!
Eliminate the word “but” from your thought life when dreaming God-sized dreams for the good of the world around you. Do not allow fear, discouragement, and a general feeling of “waiting” to keep you from moving out into the world in faith.
God is bigger than all of these issues, even your singleness. There is a world around us which is in desperate need of people who will simply believe in the Bible and act accordingly. The world is clamoring for people who will move out in love and in the power of the God of the Universe, Christ Jesus. In many cases, single adults are some of the most strategic and available people which can and should be used mightily in areas of the world’s greatest needs.
It is my prayer that countless single adults, including myself, will invest our singleness in this way. . . the way of being the voice and hands of our Savior in a world in desperate need of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
(There will be a more practical thoughts on how to thrive in the midst of singleness. I wanted to write some of the “big picture” principles first here. I will write and post it within the next two weeks.)
Living the single life well, you do a wonderful job at this. You serve God, your family and friends in many ways. Every time I read one of your articles I am amazed at the life you live and your dedication to the Lord, one can learn sooooo much from you, as I have myself. Continue your writing ,it is so beneficial to me and others, your talent is beyond words, you tell a great story and you are so honest. Sending you Love & Hugs!!!!!!
Thank you, again, for all of your kind words!
do you still live in the 80s? its called amazon. i’m sure you’ll find lots of books on singleness ok
Oh yeah, I forgot about the world-wide web. Still working the Dewey Decimal System personally.
Exactly my thought :)!
Thanks for being the SON who always has some time for his parents. The trip to
Eastern Europe was my favorite trip of all time.
Thanks Dad, that was a great trip. . . hope you and Mom are having a great day!
“…use your singleness to dream big God-sized dreams. Go for them as single adults and DO THEM!” This is so good! I think there is a danger for many singles to think/say, “When I’m married THEN I’ll…” and miss out on so many wonderful opportunities God has in store for them right now.
This has been challenging for me as in the last year and a half I have been gradually coming out of a very difficult four-year season {severe work burnout and relationship “stuff”} that left me fairly numb inside. If I’m really honest, for so long it was just about getting through each day so the idea of dreaming anything, let alone “going for it” was just not even on my radar. I think for a while I had bought into the whole, “when I’m married then I’ll…” and I’ve had to shift my perspective on that.
As much as I desire to be married, there is no guarantee that will happen. I’m not promised a spouse in scripture. I am promised the fullness of God Himself dwelling IN ME {crazy!}. So what am I to do if I never marry? For several months I mulled over that question and imagined my life without a spouse. It was a bit scary but with that came a much needed perspective change and, oddly enough, a enormous sense of freedom. I think I was allowing “fear, discouragement and a general feeling of “waiting” to keep me from moving out into the world in faith.” {so convicting but excellent!}
So I began asking myself questions like, “What would I do if there were no obstacles? Where would I go? How could I serve?” And it’s not like I never asked those questions before…but it was always with marriage somewhere in the equation. That entire thought process was the catalyst for me to start dreaming again, which has been awesome! I have been intentional about praying for God-sized dreams since the start of this year. And although I don’t have anything concrete ironed out, I’m filled with anticipation, expectation and hope again for what is to come, {instead of numbness!} which is such a God thing after everything I’ve been through. My life, even if I’m single for the duration, can and WILL, by His grace, be a “voice and the hands of our Savior in a world in desperate need of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”
Great post, John!
Amy, thanks for all of your input here on your personal experience and journey in this. Very helpful to read and take in.
Thanks!
Our family is so Blessed having You in our lives !!!
Missing You & hope to see You in 2013 !
Very encouraged & Inspired by the words You share !!!
HUGS !!!!
Thanks Mrs. Clarke. . . I am honored to continue to journey with the entire Clarke clan. Craig and I talked last night, and as is always the case, it was great hearing from him!
John, I love reading your posts and the insight you give into the single life and also life over in Asia. Just want you to know I notice them and really am encouraged by them and also in being able to share them with friends. God bless,
Thanks a ton, Matt. Thanks for letting me know you are reading and enjoying. Hope you are well!
Ummm… do you ever stop to relax and breathe?! How is it that you can accomplish writing such thoughtful, challenging (and occasionally funny) posts which must take ages to think about and write PLUS spend all of the time doing what you do in Asia PLUS have so many strong and deep relationships (via skype, email, in person and probably other forms of communication) PLUS have time for reading, watching Mad Men, following baseball and traveling?? Dude…You have a full life and I am exhausted by just thinking about all you do! But in all seriousness, I think what your post (and everything you seem to do in life) shows us is that this life we have been given is not about us and who or what serves us, but rather (whether single or married) it’s about who and what we serve. And we, whom are single, are blessed to be able to be used by God in so many ways. As always… thanks for the reminder & challenge to live beyond self! Grace & peace…
Hahaha! I think you underestimate how much alone time I have had in all of my travels over the years formulating thoughts. Though I am just writing this stuff down, most of this has been in my mind and thoughts for years. Once I run out of stuff to say (which will probably happen soon), you will see that there isn’t much else up in my brain!
Thanks for your comments and for reading!
Looks like John has mastered the art of multi tasking. LOL!
If these are big picture principles, then I can’t wait to read the practical thoughts. I love this list as it pretty much describes my life and speaks my heart. So, thanks for sharing- as always!
Just as you have said, The Great Commandment and The Great Commission applies to all of us. It is sad to know that most of us singles don’t look at it that way and are waiting to get married so as to carry out our callings. Most singles are surviving, they are not thriving. I was among them until I asked myself this question, “Why can’t you be a part of resolving issues in your home city such as fatherless kids, widows, poverty, and illiteracy?”
Inasmuch as we have a lot going in terms of work, we also have a lot of free time during the weekends and public holidays which would otherwise have been taken by family.How a single person utilises that time determines whether he/she is thriving or surviving. I use that time to do what I do best and it has left me a happy single. And for that reason, I always look forward to the weekends and public holidays. Not for partying like everybody else but doing that which I have been called to do.
This is just it, if I forget everything you have written, I will remember this as it summarises everything so well—> “There is a world around us which is in desperate need of people who will simply believe in the Bible and act accordingly. The world is clamouring for people who will move out in love and in the power of the God of the Universe, Christ Jesus. In many cases, single adults are some of the most strategic and available people which can and should be used mightily in areas of the world’s greatest needs.”
Tatuu, thank you so much for your thoughts here. Just seeing your facebook activity, you are clearly an example for all of us to follow.
I completely agree that how you utilize your “free time” as a single is vital. It really is a stewardship in and of itself. Time is our strongest and most valuable asset. How we invest our time will determine and define must of our lives.
As always, thanks for your insightful, thoughtful, and informative comments. Have a great weekend!
Oh yea, I like that we are closer to the same time zone than America to Asia. Nice to be able to respond to your comments and stuff real time!
You guys are 5 hours ahead of us. So yeah, we are closer and the time difference can’t really be felt. America is 8 hours behind us and I guess 12 hours behind China.
Thank you! I’ll say the same for you. May God be glorified in our singleness. Have a great weekend as well!
Preach it! 🙂 Love your thoughts, passing it along to my Bible study of mostly singles.
Thanks Becca. . . give my best to that husband of yours!
John-
Thanks for your words of encouragement to go for the God–sized dreams. I am not entirely sure what this will look like for me as I prepare to move to a new city this summer. Over the past few years, God has really encouraged me to step out into the areas he has gifted me in, and partner with him. It has been a real joy, and totally fun, a learning experience, and step of faith. It has been a real process to get there, and I am still learning. It seems that it is a matter of faith and trust in the one who has made us, called us, formed us…. do we trust the Father enough to step out and really partner with him, and take care of us, single or not? That has been the question of late for me. It is a deep question that requires much thought.
I think of Abraham and Moses…. they were willing to believe and step out into the unknown. It is a great challenge to me.
For a long time, too long…. I put aside my dreams, talents, etc. and put them on the back- burner. Stepping forward towards God seems to be the point.
I am not sure what this will look like in my new city, but I am looking forward to it.
There’s no denying that many singles, including myself, have at times, been held back by their singlenss, but instead this is a gift to serve the Lord wholeheartedly. I have had to repent of this mindset myself, and am learning how to step forward confidently with the Lord.
Thank you so much for your insight, your openness, encouragement, and vulnerability. It’s a blessing!
Rebecca
Rebecca, great stuff here! Thanks for taking the time to comment. Definitely agree and feel this is a great addition to the overall post. Thanks!
Hey John, you’re always an inspiration… I’ll pass this along to our singles.. 🙂 hope to catch you when you’re in Atlanta.
Hey Dai, thanks, brother! I hope you are doing well and hope to catch up one of these days!
Very true..This is exactly what single men and women must realize, that being single won‘t limit God’s work.
I agree!
This was so sweet to read, how you think about your parents! Truly touched my heart. And the dreams part!!! This is really awesome to dream with God! It is an awesome feeling to dare to dream and to work alonside with God, when He is fulfilling them. Our God is so awesome!
And, yes, God is bigger than our singleness, although it sometimes seems the biggest problem of all problems, unchangable, area without hope. God really is bigger! So much bigger!
“As a result God highly exalted him
and gave him the name
that is above every name,
so that at the name of Jesus
every knee will bow
—in heaven and on earth and under the earth—
and every tongue confess
that Jesus Christ is Lord
to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2: 9-11)
“This power he exercised in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms far above every rule and authority and power and dominion and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.” (Ephesians 1: 20-21)
Thanks for writing this article and reminding me that it’s not all about me but about what I can do for God during my time of singleness. It has not been an easy journey for me. But I know that God is always with me and I need to make the most of the time he’s given me whether single or married.
Thanks Carmem. . . I appreciate your reading, kind works, and for letting me know you have enjoyed some of these articles. God bless!