This summer saw yet another series of LONG plane trips. By my count, now I am up to 60+ flights of 9 or more hours in duration. As I focused on both the people of LONG lights and tips to surviving long flights last summer, I am now going to focus on some of my lows in taking LONG flights.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are a few things I like about LONG flights. However here I am going to focus on some of the more annoying aspects of these types of flights, as was the case this summer (and the flight I am currently on).
So, without further ado, here are the 8 (not so) highlights of my LONG plane trips from this summer.
- Unprecedented, long delays –This has been the summer of airport delays here in Asia. I don’t know why, but an already sluggish airport system has become tortuously slow. I had already had reports of awful delays in the weeks preceding my departure. One group of summer students traveling back from my city to America took 3 days to get from Asia to America. Another man I met was stranded for 24 hours over “weather delays” when there was not a cloud in the skies of both his departure and arrival cities. As for me, I didn’t learn from this. The city I had a layover in is famous for shopping. In an attempt to be an over-the-top great uncle, I actually budgeted an 8 hours shopping day for my layover. I HATE shopping, especially at parasitic Asian markets which prey upon foreigners like me. Well, I got the airport only to have the dreaded “weather delay” announcements reverberating throughout the gargantuan airport. Bottom line, after an awful 6 ½ hours of abject hunger, world-class fidgeting, and absolutely no explanations from the airline, we finally took off. Not a fun way to spend your first day of four straight weeks of living out of a suitcase. In the end, I got to the hotel at 8:30pm, well past closing time for the local markets. I arrived to my nieces and nephews in Atlanta dejected and empty-handed. In an attempt to keep myself busy, I entertained myself with the following 15 second video (make sure and notice the last guy). Gives a small glimpse of my utter boredom.[pb_vidembed title=”” caption=”” url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKmHK5YapKs” type=”yt” w=”480″ h=”385″]
- Uncomfortable Asian airports – Airports the world over are uncomfortable. However, the ones in this country take it to another level. The chairs are brutally uncomfortable and the food options generally begin and end with various species of Ramon noodles. Because of the serial delays, most boarding gates are populated with people growing testy and irritable. It boarders from being amusing to being a little scary. Several friends, including Owens and Jessica Hall, have seen major passenger meltdowns this summer. Thankfully I have not. If you want to see something painfully funny, go to youtube and search for angry passengers in Asian airports (or related searches). You will find some major ones!
- “Now sit back and enjoy this 13 hour and 53 minute flight” – The flight attendant ACTUALLY uttered this phrase to conclude the pre-flight announcements on this flight. Unbelievable. Is there any way you can enjoy a 13 hour and 53 minute flight?!?!?! I appreciate the courtesy, but it was almost insulting. There are over 200 passengers currently on this flight and EVERY ONE of us looks miserable. Every. Last. One. Not loving the reminder that my next 14 hours will be spent in this putrid smelling steel tube. We will get through it, yet please don’t encourage me to “enjoy” this flight.
- Business Class withdrawal – Here’s the deal. On my way back to America, I was inexplicably bumped up to business class. The lady at the ticketing counter asked if I would mind moving to business class. I almost leap the 12 foot high desk and gave her one of those “I just got back from war” kisses. I refrained. The flight was glorious. I actually DID enjoy the trip. However, now I stuck back with all the other peasants in the economy section. It is killing me to know just how good the people just beyond the curtain have it. Killing me. It was incredible living like the other half for a day, but now my bubble has been burst. In this case, ignorance truly is bliss. Now I am experiencing some serious Business Class withdrawal.
My nemesis in this flight’s “Armrest War”. . . thankfully he shed his scratchy, blue sweater. - Armrest wars – There is always a silent, yet deadly battle waged for the armrest on these flights. My nemesis today is a slightly overweight gentleman in a prickly blue sweater. From the moment we both sat down to the present, we have been fighting for space on this vital 2 inch wide and 15 inch long section of neutral seat real estate. There is no formal acknowledgement of this unnamed war, yet the battle slugs on. I get up for a bathroom break; he goes elbow to hand to blanket the armrest. He scratches his head; I wedge an elbow at the base to establish a stronghold from which to move north. Our comfort is at stake. We both know the ramifications, so battle on we must.
- In-flight movie fails – On most of these LONG flights, I will allow myself to watch one or two movies. On these flights, I try to watch at least one I have never heard of, yet might be good from the description. I don’t know why I do this, as it almost never works out. This time it was a Paul Rudd movie called “This is 40”. I kept waiting for it to get better. It never did. It was so bad I am actually now in a bad mood. It was a major movie fail. I seem to always have one on these trans-pacific flights. I should have known better. Paul Rudd is terrible.
- The 8 hour mark of the flights – I have a problem. I almost never sleep on flights. Even brutally long flights like the one I am currently on. At about the 8 hour mark of these flights, it seems to hit me the hardest. By this time, the entire flight looks a morgue, with bodies strewn every which way. However, there I am, uncomfortable, exhausted, yet not able to sleep. The 8 hour mark is the worst because you have already been on the flight for an entire work day. My legs are stiff as plywood, my hair as sticky as gum on asphalt on a hot summer day, and my mouth feels like I have licked the bottom of a garbage can. However, there are STILL 6 LONG hours to go. Though I always make it, it is at this point where I seriously question whether I will.
- The (not so) minty fresh smell of the cabin – Ok, airplanes usually have a fairly neutral aroma. However, after eight hours in the air, eight hours of people breathing the same air, eight hours of people using the same five toilets which are conveniently placed in all sections of the plane, eight hours of 200 mouths of coffee breath and low quality meals (both American and Asian) being served, the place begins to smell somewhat repulsive. Mind you, I am a single male, so I know a thing or two about disgusting apartments and smells of squalor. However, long flights eventually smell like the tragic merger of revolting public toilets and elementary school cafeterias on country-fried steak (sometimes falsely known as “chicken-fried steak”) day, accented with overpowering body odor from many who thought it was just too early to shower prior to heading to the airport this morning. Not pleasant.
Any more I have missed? Would love to hear of your experiences!
Thanks for adding some laughter to my morning. Oh. My. Goodness. I can literally feel, taste and sense the misery!!! Done a few flights myself, thankful i am able to sleep on flights, yet commiserate with you!! Makes me re-inforce the importance of flying PREPARED… with all sorts of personal items that can make misery a little less painful. A few things that top the list: my own washclothe, mints, GORP or some sort of healthy food choice, writing materials, interesting reads… fresh socks, a few items i think you already mentioned to survive. a neck pillow may be added to my stash…
Hey Tammie, glad you enjoyed it! Great input on making flights bearable. Great thoughts!
Last year, I wrote a similar post on suggestions also. You might like to read it. . . https://johngunter.com/flights-tips/
Thanks!
Yes, i read that post too… I have enjoyed perusing through your blog. FYI, i mentioned you in http://tammiestrek.blogspot.com/2013/07/sanding-as-i-reflect-on-singleness.html — more on that topic are forthcoming! thanks for the inspiration!
Great article. . . thanks for pointing it out! I have read some of your blog, but this had evaded me.
Have a great day!
O.m.g. this was absolutely amazing!! Finally a bold honest discussion about Asian flights, instead of forcing a silver lining onit! They suck so badly and I also am suicidal at hour 8. And I play the I’m-a-girl card and force men to give me the arm rest. It’s either that or you can watch me lose, my freakin mind…
You are so brave Gunter, little sacrificial lamb. Ps shouldn’t u be flying first class by now
Erin, I’m standing in front of my tan chair doing my infamous “lamb” stance in your honor. I know you must be very happy.
I hope next time I head through DC you guys will be there and set up. When do you move?
Wow, you really did have some miserable flights. You tell a great story but I must say it was a long and disgusting flight for you. I have never been on a airplane that long and now I know I don’t want to, but all my flights have been pleasant. Hope you are doing well and have recovered from all your flights. Hugs!!!
Great hearing from you Jane! I love going to cool places, but I sure do hate the trips to get there.
Have a great day!
i’m procrastinating home school planning and this was just the laugh I needed.
And, yes, I do have a highlight to add. Try spicing up the trip with some young children. “oh for grace to trust Him more” … that’s all I gotta say about that 🙂
oh, and I saw this horrific chart in the china daily last week with ‘on time percentages’ for major international airports and don’t quote me on this but I *think* Beijing Intl had 18% of it’s flights leave on time. EIGHTEEN!!! don’t get me started on how wrong that is.
Laura, I honestly don’t know how you guys do those trips with all your kids. I can barely hold it together with just me.
God bless you and Matt in your perseverance!
I also saw this article last week. It just echoed what we know to be reality!
I’m so glad you are back in the blogosphere, John Gunter! I chuckled my way through this – not laughing directly at your misery but the way you described it. Thanks for always making me laugh, and I’m sorry it’s at the expense of your suffering. 😛
On my my to and from Nepal (which involved lots of delays and multi-day/12 hour layovers in HK) a couple of years back, there were panic moments where people were requesting doctors.
En route to – an extremely panicked Asian man stands up and starts screaming: “I NEED A DOCTOR, MY BABY IS SICK IS THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD PLEASE!!!!!!”
En route home – It’s probably like 4-6 hours into the flight and I’m woken up from half-sleep and drooling on the guy sitting next to me (yeah I’m that girl) by this awful groaning sound and “ahhhh help me help me”…basically a guy that sounds like he’s dying.
There’s some movement of flight attendants and then the same flight attendants booking it back up to the front of the plane. And then we hear over the intercom system in an artificially calm voice, something along the lines of: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing a medical emergency. Are there any doctors on the plane? Again, we are experiencing a medical emergency and there is an urgent need for medical help.” The whole time this guy’s screaming louder and louder.
There was an anesthesiologist and a nurse in our group and both times they went forward to help. We were glad they were there and had our relieved chuckles about the whole situation afterwards.
By the way – the baby was fine – just new parent panic. The other gentleman was passing a particularly excruciating kidney stone and made it to the destination without us having to make an emergency medical landing. We walked past him on the way out – he was sprawled out in a corner and looked absolutely awful (pale, clammy, short of breath) – but he made it.
Thanks again for sharing, looking forward to your next post!
Sindy, hilarious! I am hurting for the with a kidney stone. I had one a few years back. Excruciating. I can’t imagine it happening on an international flight!
Seriously, either you are unlucky or the actual cause of people’s pain on planes. Not sure I want to be in that seat next yours!
Great hearing from you!
R pointed out this article in the economist to me this morning as we were delayed getting in by a few hours. Makes sense of number 1 but I don’t think it helps knowing this… http://www.economist.com/news/china/21583273-military-control-airspace-and-risk-averse-culture-threaten-cripple-chinas-rapid-growth
Yeah, I had heard of some similar stuff. Thanks for the article.
Look forward to seeing you guys soon!
Business class withdrawal is a serious problem. The more you experience it (I’ve done it 10+ times using mileage/elite upgrades), the more difficult it is to accept shuffling back to regular coach the rest of the time. And the more up front in coach you are, the harder it is to avoid gazing upon the blessed during your journey, with the amenities you were all too temporarily given a taste of.
Entering bonus time in most airports is always its own brand of fun. PVG, PEK are not too bad, if at least because they are newer and generally cleaner. Don’t you have enough seat mileage (usually 50k/year) accrued to at least access an airline lounge?
Armrest wars… always pray that if you must have a seat neighbor, that she (not he) has a smaller body type and is traveling with her husband (will lean in his direction). I even had an armrest “war” once when I was in an aisle seat – with the neighbor behind me and the socked foot he planted there.
The freshy smell of the cabin… if you sit close enough to the front on domestic carriers in your region, you may get the extra plus of cigarette smoke wafting out of the cockpit during the whole of your flight.
In-flight movie fails… I hear you on this one. For some, I wonder how much the studio is paying the airline to show it, not the other way around.
You didn’t mention the biohazard scene that airplane lavs can become on longer flights if the crew is not keeping on top of things.
Tommy, as always, hilarious! You are much better equipped to write this article than I with all of your travels.
I need to run, but just wanted to say hello and that I am rolling reading your comments here!
Posts like are what convince people like my parents NOT to come visit me! Stop it, Gunter! STOP IT! 🙂
Oh, and I can completely relate to the armrest battle. Usually it’s only a big problem for me if I’m in a middle seat. If I’m an aisle or window I actually talk to the person next to me in the middle seat to inform them that if I’m taking up one of their armrests, just to tell me. I figure aisles and windows already get one completely to themselves that the guy in the middle deserves at least one…
Let’s get them on the phone when you get to here. We can convince them together that it will be there trip of their lives.
Can’t wait see you in a few days, my brother!
I am so thankful for this. I was laughing so hard at numbers 3-5 that I almost choked on my lunch. I never sleep on flights either and am too scared to take sleeping medicine. I fear that I still won’t be able to sleep once taking it and then I am stuck in an even worse situation dealing with intense grogginess….and still no sleep. So when I travel on ling flights I just succumb to the fact that I just wont sleep for 48 plus hours.
Another HORRIBLE thing that I guess would fall under number 8 is when your neighbor or really anyone at that rate decides to pass gas…silent and deadly. I mean, really! Gag!
So glad that you are blogging again. I enjoy it so much 🙂
If you could see my face, it is of the extreme “yuk” look! Didn’t think about the gas factor, but I’m sure that is all part of number 8. . . long enclosed trips eating nothing but bad airline food!
Great hearing from you, Ashley!
There’s no such thing as chicken fried steak!
You say one more bad thing about Paul Rudd….
Many people refer to him as the “Bryan Carson of Hollywood”. Figures you would like him.
I couldn’t stop laughing! You’re a talented story (horror story?) teller.
Paula, thanks a ton. Wow, I really hope we can sit down and catch up one of there days. We are way overdue AND I am yet to meet your husband!
Thankful for You ….Always enjoy your perspective on Life…Thankful i don’t have to fly long distances….longest so far was from LasVegas to ATL arriving at dawn & going home to bed….it took a week to get back on schedule
Thanks Mrs. Clarke. It was great seeing you and Mr. Clarke, though I wish it had been for longer. Have a great day!
Hilarious! Somehow all the pain and frustrations of flying long flights across parts of Asia and the Pacific washed away in my tears as I laughed out loud. Next time I fly home, this post will be a new part of my pre flight plan. Thanks John! Grace and peace…
Nice. . . I’m certain you have experienced all this and more. Glad to be a new travel tradition for you, Alexis!
🙂 😀 :)))))))))
This post and the comments totally killed me!!
I don’t have any funny-to-tell-later flight stories, except maybe for the way I look whenever the plane takes off and lands and during rough time. It feels like I am definitely going to die a horribly painful death… 🙁 I cannot get over it and it makes the perspective of any trip less pleasant.
I did not start out like this. My very first flight was Bucharest-Amsterdam (one and a half hours), then Amsterdam-Panama and finally Panama-Managua, in summertime. I enjoyed it from the beginning to the end. No turbulences or perhaps the first-time flying excitement was all too powerful. The flights back home, the same, sheer pleasure of flying.
Two years later I was coming back from Reykjavik (my flight had been delayed for one day because of a volcano eruption – it was not the big one from 2010, but a smaller one in May 2011) and I had to catch a night flight to Oslo. The plane took a detour to avoid the worse volcano ash areas, so the trip took longer.
It was terrible, very rough time almost the whole time. I am usually better if I can look out the window, but then it was night, so my fear escalated to unknown heights.
And ever since, with the rare exceptions of perfectly smooth flights, that feeling persists every time we go through turbulence and I always promise myself I will never fly again. I hear there are people just like that who only travel by land or water because they are too afraid of flying. I love travelling too much to become one of them just yet, but I will probably have to consider getting an ulcer or some heart condition because of the high levels of stress… 🙁
Coming back to flight situations I can laugh about , it’s me, again, when the plane is safe on the ground. I am the “all time fear” lady, like you said in an earlier post, “practically giving out cigars to randoms in celebration”. 🙁 😀
I know I will have to grow my faith in God on this, too 🙂 Actually, as you can all imagine, I am fervently praying during flights… 🙂 This helps better than looking out the window, but even if I am suddenly calmer, my palms sweat like crazy and my body stiffens.
One thing is for sure, I am sure I am never going to die in a plane crash because I will probably die seconds before impact, of a heart attack.
Sorry for this lugubrious comment!!! At least I am not forgetting my smileys… 😛
Nice use of emoticons!
Thanks for sharing all of your stories on travel here! I have traveled to Eastern Europe twice. Each time has been a tremendous experience. I’m sure you have had some great times just seeing the surrounding areas.
Thanks for sharing your experiences!