This post is from my series called “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . .)“. To read an overview and previous posts from the series, please click here.
As I type this, I have 4 hours and 50 minutes to go on this flight (according to the flight tracker). Not too bad, except for the fact that I have already been in this airplane for over nine hours. Unconscious bodies are strewn everywhere, with only the flicker of seat back movie screens cutting through the darkness. It is 3:29am where I took off from. Yet, I am not asleep, as I almost never sleep on planes.
Here is what is on my mind right now. . . during times like this, I hate being single. I travel a good bit and I’m often on long flights like this one. Always traveling alone makes trips like this that much more brutal than they already are.
So, in honor of this LONG flight and being single, here are a few of the times when I really, really don’t like being single.
- Being sick – I HATE being sick while living alone. Add to this the fact that I live in Asia, where I don’t have a CVS down the street or a Publix from which to buy chicken noodle soup, and sickness is absolute misery. Long days of lying incapacitated on my semi-comfortable couch with no one to interact with is the worst. Definitely not a benefit of singleness.
- Holidays – Holidays really are meant to be with family. When you get well beyond college and you’re still not married, holidays can be sad. Thankfully, I personally have always had great communities to fit into over here for holidays and a wonderful family environment when I am in America. However, I know holidays can be particularly difficult for many singles.
- Family style meals – Almost all of the restaurants here in Asia are family style. Being single makes it both awkward and inconvenient to eat out for me. Awkward in that NOBODY here eats alone in restaurants. Inconvenient in that I can either order two dishes and have way too much food or order one dish and have an overabundance of one type of food. Do I feel like chicken? Well, that is all I will get. What about beans? While good, I don’t care to make an entire meal out of them. Order both and it’s enough for three. Not cool.
- Going to romantic comedies – Ok, true confession. . . I like romantic comedies. Not proud of this, but it’s true. However, there is NEVER an acceptable time for me to call a male friend and invite him to join me for a chick flick. Inviting another dude to a Julia Roberts and/or Hugh Grant movie is grounds for a throat kick. This can never happen. Never.
- Pretty much every first conversation I have with people over here in Asia – You just don’t see single men of 30+ years old in Asia. People just don’t know what to do with me. So your 40 AND don’t have a wife? Are your parents worried? You must have many girlfriends! I know a girl you MUST meet. . . always an uncomfortable conversation. Half the time I just lie and tell people I have a girlfriend in America. It’s just easier than answering and dodging all the questions.
- Nights – Beyond the obvious, it just gets lonely and long being alone at nights in my apartment. I’m not good by myself. I am an extrovert. It gets really old retreating to an empty apartment and waking up in said empty apartment day in and day out.
- Moving – I have now moved 17 times in the past 15 years. Brutal. The longest I have lived in one home during this time span has been 22 months. I hate moving and it seems to only be more depressing doing it as a single. I don’t know, but this seems to be the case.
- Couples skate at the roller rink – Ok, so I haven’t been to a roller rink since middle school. However, I really hated being forced to sit on the bench while the “couples” got the floor to themselves. They got the cool spotlights, while I was forced to hammer snow cones on the side watching. Actually, snow cones were awesome, but not as awesome as skating hand-in-hand with a girl while “More Than Words” blared over the sound system.
- Lightning fast DTRs – It seems to me that when you turn 30 expectations while dating skyrocket up. Gone are the days of casual dating and just “spending time with friends” of the opposite sex. After 30, you are now in the “I don’t want to waste my time with people not serious” mode. Now, you want to know exactly where this thing is headed from the get go. . . or at least it can feel this way. Personally, I am not a fan of this change. I was never a fan of casual dating. However, I really don’t like feeling I need to have compatibility issues completely ironed out by the end of a Grande Latte, either.
- Attending plays and other cultural events – Closely akin to romantic comedies, plays and other such cultural events are just not something you can call your guy friends up for. This stinks for me, as I really do like concerts and plays of all varieties. Just not able to call up friends and drag them along. No problem with sports, but “Phantom of the Opera” at the Fox Theater in Atlanta is out of the question! This has led me towards a few uber awkward blind dates over the years.
Well, that is a good place to start. There are advantages to being single, but these are things which are not cool.
Would love to know your thoughts on this below!
I’ll make sure and write on advantages in being single in the coming weeks, but just wanted to jump into some of the areas that I find difficult.
(For the next article in this series, please go to An open letter to a female friend. . . struggles in dating Christian and non-Christian men.)
Such a great list! The ‘throat kick’ made me laugh. This isn’t the end!
Thanks Ruthie! I just got to Thailand for vacation…you need to introduce your husband to this place!
it is never ok to like and want to watch romantic comedies if you’re a guy, period. could explain the singleness
I might recall a time period in college where you regularly watched “Saved by the Bell”…you have no ground from which to judge me.
I agree with Sam. Not having someone to snuggle with while watching romantic comedies should never be admitted out loud… Even on a blog.
Two words. . . Umbro shorts.
Snuggle.
“It’s not a matter of how hard you get punched. It’s…”
I now remember those days and thank you for the reminder….leads me to thankfulness!…boy oh boy, lots of similar experiences! I could add offer a counter list of the easier life that singles are afforded, but if my wife saw that I made a list of easier things about single life…well, that would be a throat kick!! Totally get you bro….holidays and conferences were terrible…especially conferences!
Good hearing from you Jay. . . I’m sure you had similar experiences in Italy!
yes, had my share in Italy, but actually more in the USA
plus I really like Notting Hill….sue me
Yeah, I enjoyed the flick also. Kept that on the DL for a while…
John, just read this post and the last one…
seems like the biggest continual challenge is to lay the things we want on the altar. His will, instead of ours. Hard to get there sometimes. Sometimes, we have to do this daily, by the minute, or periodically. Whatever the case, I would rather have an Isaac, than an Ishmael.
I have found that God has saved me from many unneccessary heartaches, where I have found out later about the guy something that I didn’t know. I later, then up thanking God for His sovereignty, and wisdom, and for sparing me from being with someone that would be a lot of probably painful years, married or dating that person. All I am really saying is, even in the uncertainty of our wondering, God is still wise, sovereign, loving, and sees it all… as you said. (I am not saying anything about this girl in writing all this).
I think we go through seasons of contentedness, which always seems to lead as to whether we trust God with our lives or not. God helps us bear the difficult days, weeks, hopefully not months or years, but His grace carries us.
I really appreciated what you said few weeks ago, about singleness not being a plague, a disease, something to be cured. It took me a long time to understand this.
Really would love to hear a pastor talk about this!!! but anyways, I read a book called “God’s Call to the Single Adult”, by Cavanough. David? maybe, is his first name… I would have to look it up, but a wonderful book. You may have already read it. I found it encouraging.
At any rate, really enjoying reading your blog, whenever I do!
I can relate! the dinner explanation was funny, as was the throat kick…
Great word, Rebecca…thanks! Thanks for sharing so much of your journey and processing along the way. Very encouraging to read. Have a great week and thanks for contributing through this comment!
Nailed it!
I hate TRAVELING single…what do you do with your carry-on when you have to go to the bathroom at the airport? I hate the thought of taking it into the stall, but I don’t want to appear to be a terrorist and leave my bag unattended, and I feel like it takes too much time to do the obligatory chat with a stranger in order to build up trust to ask them to watch your bag. Ugh.
Maybe this is a girl thing, but ENTERTAINING stinks without a life partner. I love cooking and having friends over for dinner, but when I’m trying to stir the food on the stove and make sure the table is set and the doorbell rings because the first guests arrive and the phone rings because someone took a wrong turn, I wish that I had someone else who could greet the guests and talk to them so I can finish preparing the meal and not feel guilty for being unfriendly.
I echo that MOVING is hard, and along with that, hanging pictures on the wall and rearranging furniture. It’s not impossible, but it’s just so much easier when you have another set of eyes and hands.
In summary, there are definitely advantages to being single, but when it comes to some things, Rob Bass knew what he was hip-hoppin’ about… “It takes two to make a thing go right.” 🙂
I really enjoyed reading about the difficulties of you being single. Although I can’t relate to this, since I have been married for 50Yrs, I still find it interesting. I am a people person, so I do NOT like being alone, can’t stand eating by myself. It takes a special person like yourself to live your life away from family & friends. Living in Asia without a CVS and Publix on every corner like we have in Ga. would be difficult for me, but you make the most of it. In this blog you were more honest and laid it out how you truly feel, which I respect you for, also you put some humor in this series, good for you. Take Care & keep up the good work in Asia. Hugs!!!!!
Thanks Jane…as always!
Thank you John for sharing your heart so honestly and authentically. Reminds me that we all bear our crosses in this life but it helps to know the color and shape of the crosses we bear for another aspect of our calling is to bear one another’s burdens.
Thanks Mike. We are way overdue to catch up…
Soooooo glad you’re hitting a little comedy with this topic. Please keep it coming and let me know if you need material. A lot of things could be said in response to this post, I’m just glad others are holding you accountable for your romantic comedy confessions.
Yeah, it was time. I was due for something a little liter.
Waddell?
The one and only. . .
What kind of movies does Huge Grant play in? They don’t sound appropriate.
Not proud of it, but have seen a few.
Preach it, brotha! I hear you. One of my hardest things is/was (since Geebs has been traveling a lot for work)… meals in general. I hate eating alone, and it’s way too hard to cook a decent meal for one person anyway. But eating out all the time with a different person every day gets old too.
Hope your marathon flight is now over and you are able to rest up and remember the good things about being single too…
Thanks Becca…can’t wait to see you guys as a married couple!
Great list! I’m just nodding my head in agreement. #1 had to be #1. That really stinks.
How about when your friends invite you out and they are all coupled up? I have never figured what to do with myself during such times.
Yeah, that is really is awkward. There are no restaurant tables with odd numbers of chairs, so it is pretty rough. Great addition!
But it is usually easier if they have kids with them so I take up nanny roles. :D. Can’t wait to read the next post and I’m a bit sad this series is coming to an end. I have enjoyed every bit of it.
I completely agree!
You can take me to a romantic comedy anytime. Love the blog.
Um, thanks… I guess.
Great hanging last week…hope you guys have a great vacation!
John,
I still believe she is out there and the Lord will bring her into your life SOON! You need a wife and you would be the most wonderful husband and father.
I love you,
Carol Boggs
Thanks Mrs. Boggs…hope you guys are well!
whats even better is sam has no idea he posted on your blog
Being that my girlfriend is a good 12,000 miles away I also find it hard to work in the latest movie by “Huge” Grant. I am always down for a Romantic Comedy as long as we can redeem ourselves with a dirt bike ride through the dxc afterwards. Separate bikes of course.
Nice catch on the typo…clearly in need of editorial help.
I had the “gift” for 30 years….glad I gave it away!
As far as admitting to the whole world that you like Romantic Comedies, I believe the late Lewis Grizzard would’ve said, “I don’t believe I’d a told that son!”
On the bright side, if you can get a dog, get one. They are truly man’s best friend!
Gunter just eats them
Only on special occasions.
I thought you eat everything. 🙂 glad to hear only on special occasions.
Hahaha. . . good memory!
Thanks for the suggestion, but just too much trouble in a little Asian flat style apartment.
Hi John, Your whole list made me chuckle…getting sick by yourself is definitely one of the worst things! I live in Amish country Pennsylvania and people marry VERY young in general in this area so the first thing people ask me is “do you have kids?” which leads to “are you married?” leads to “well why aren’t you married yet?” leads to “don’t you WANT to get married?” which leads to quite an awkward conversation! Generally speaking, I don’t sit around bemoaning my singleness – most of the time I just live the life I’ve been living…my whole life! LOL It’s only when other people bring my “status” up do I start feeling like a leper or something.
Oh, and my new favorite thing is when I’m introduced to a married couple and they realize I’m single, I have literally watched the wives huddle in closer to their husbands…as if I’m going to STEAL their spouse right in front of them! If this only happened once, perhaps I could chalk it up to my imagination but nope, this has happened repeatedly. Hide your husbands ladies…single girl on the prowl – HA! 🙂
Enjoying this series very much!!
Hey Amy, totally agree with you on that last paragraph. It’s like being older and single equals desperate and ready to snatch any man. :D. It’s not your fault that you are too beautiful…single and beautiful is a scary combination for some people and it makes them very uncomfortable. Don’t take it personally when they behave the way they do, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Just pray for them to be more secure in their marriage—at least that’s what I do.
I love reading about the Amish, their lifestyle amaze me and would love to interact with them before I die.
Great stuff. . . yeah, the people in Asia also have no boxes to put me in. Definitely awkward. No one is scared of me stealing spouses, so I guess that is a level I can aspire to! Thanks for your comments!
Any man who can admit he enjoys romantic comedies, is indeed a man who is secure in his own skin and those are the best men…..just to add to the comments of others. And, I totally agree, your #1 is my #1——and I live with a CVS down the street……still not fun. Enjoying the posts.
Thanks Ali…yeah, I despise, despise being sick and without someone around.
FYI, I looked at your site/blog during jet lag last night. Enjoyed reading it. We have many mutual friends.
Thanks!
Yes….our world really is a smaller world than I realize most of the time. Hope you had a great mid-year break.
Thanks…great so far!
John, Being single is like being Jewish. It’s much cheaper at Christmas time. It’s also a lot like being married in that no one ever listens to you.
“Thank you, folks. . . I’ll be here all week! Tip your bartenders on the ways out!” – CCG
Thanks for the addition to this little post!
I love your insight. I can relate so much especially with items 2, 3 and 5. I’m an Asian and presently working here in Vietnam where people are family oriented and women marry in their early 20s. So when they ask me how old am I and do I have a bf or husband and I said no, it’s just like a shocking news for them and start asking why and say I’m lying.
When friends ask me when will I get married, especially when it’s already late in the afternoon, I would jokingly say tomorrow because it’s late already.^_^ That will end further discussion.
Thank you again. You are not experiencing these things alone.:)
Thanks for chiming in here. Yeah, the single older than around 25 is a real head scratcher to the locals here in Asia. Not something seen othen, yet very awkward for those of us in that category.
Thanks for your thoughts here!
I hear you. For so many years, I always told people I’m getting married on Oct 1st without a blink of eye when people asked me when I am going to get married. then they ask “oh, with who? I said “I don’t know”. I guess they will learn I am not interested in this topic at all, otherwise they just have so many questions. the funny thing is when Thomas and I try to figure out our wedding day, Oct 1st is not even in the back of my head.
Really funny! Great day for a wedding.
Hope you guys are doing well!
Hi John,
I’m new here. Thanks for a refreshingly honest post! When I’m honest about what sucks about being single (and a single parent at that), most people become uncomfortable and want to “change my mind”. And I, like everyone else I know, don’t enjoy that very much.
So thanks for keeping it real. I’ll be reading more…
Erin
Thanks for reading and the comment here, Erin. I went to your site and it looks great!
Yeah, it can be tough getting an understanding ear from married friends. Mine do try, but my life/struggles are so different than theirs, it can seem to miss a good bit.
Thanks and have a great day!
People really ask such personal questions from strangers they meet for the first time?!? Fortunately here in Estonia, when they hear, that their new acquaintance is single, it is awkward for both and so they change the topic.
About the movies and concerts, i think it is most of the women’s dream to have a guy who loves that 🙂
Personally i actually try to avoid romantic movies. It is a way to keep myself sane.
I could also add couple of situations, when i hate being single. One of them is springtime. There are always so many couples outside during the spring (ok, it has a lot to do with my jealousy problem). The other situation is when there are these perfect misty nights or warm spring and summer nights, when it would just be so perfect to walk in the town with your beloved one.
But with the jealousy problem, i have realized, that my problem oftentimes is not waiting, my problem is that i do not believe, that God would give me someone, it seems impossible and therefore i’m jealous of people who have, what i would like to have but think it is impossible. But God is actually almighty and can do anything. After realizing my mistake of thought, i try to think, that it is also possible for me (although i don’t know when or how or whether it happens at all) and it has become way easier to bless all the coupled i know and all the couples pass by on the streets.
Oh and to add to situations, family gatherings are not very convenient either, because everybody asks, whether i have a boyfriend and when i’m going to have children and what do i think of my cousin having 3 children already. But there is a great difference whether it is asked with love, out of curiosity or with a purpose to put pressure on me.
And i have to add here, all my married friends are truly awesome! They have put so much effort in integrating me into their lives and it has worked out so well. I’m so thankful to God for such loving friends! And i agree with one of your previous posts, that it is actually truly meaningful to help friends with their kids (i have started to realize that), because they actually do need help and it is fun too :).
Good stuff. . . again. . . thanks for your thoughts here!
It is amazing how filled with emotions this entire process is, isn’t it? Have a great day!
You mean the process of being single? Or what process do you actually mean? (sorry, feeling so blond here!)
Yeah, just the process of doing life a single and learning to trust God in the midst. Thanks for all of your input and thoughts on all the posts today. Great stuff!
Thanks for such God-centered, great and refreshing thoughts! I’m not sure i can continue my life before i have finished this series 😀 It has been really exciting and encouraging and changing!
Meu caro John, na jornada com Cristo nunca estamos sozinhos, o Espírito Santo nos fortalece para vencermos cada etapa e desafio, na medida exata de nossa capacidade para suportar as dores. Temos que lembrar sempre: Para participarmos da Glória de Nosso Senhor Jesus Cristo temos que participar primeiro da sua cruz. Você não está sozinho…
Muito obrigado por seus comentários aqui. Concordo e estou enouraged pelo seu admonission aqui. Obrigado por ler o blog e para adicionar a ele através destas palavras! (translation courtesy of http://translate.google.com/. . . I wish I could speak Portuguese!)
I just read this post and I can relate with it so well. Being an Indian, wherever I go, someone will end up asking me why aren’t you getting married? As if it is on purpose that I’m not doing it. I get to hear things like it is high time and you should do something about it. I can’t go out to restaurants and eat alone for the same reason. I used to go to movies alone but now I can’t do it anymore, I just don’t like going alone anymore to the movies or malls. So yes, singleness does get to you sometimes. But then everything said and done, I rather wait for God’s best for me than directing my life by myself. I rather wait for Jesus to teach me and instruct me the way I should go than take a hasty step.
It’s the beauty of our religion which was founded upon a cross. Christ even uses the pains of this world for our good.
Thanks for your thoughts and input!
I know this is an old post but I’ll comment anyway. Being sick and single is utterly miserable!! Having the flu for the first time ever this year really brought that message home for me. Unlike you, though, my parents live a mere 20 minutes away and could help. So I sympathize that sick days must be very rough for you, being so far from family.
It’s adorable when men like romantic comedies (my mom, 3 sisters, and I have successfully brought my dad to the dark side). Now, if you were to cry at said rom coms you would be in danger of losing your man card. I mean, that’s right up there with guy-liner.
In general I see this single season as the very definition of offering up our bodies–lives–as living sacrifices. To be single unto the Lord and not fulfill fleshly lusts on our own terms (or even just marry someone who is a “good choice” as opposed to God’s choice) is an act of worship. Daily, momentary surrender. In essence we are every day saying, “Jesus, you are worth this.”
In the good moments I try to be thankful and rejoice that I can sleep diagonally if I choose or leisurely wake up Saturday mornings and NOT to children wailing. And in the hard moments I try to tone down my grumbling that I have no live-in bug killer or someone to go to the movies with.
Focusing my heart on Christ and the big picture that ALL that encompasses my life is to be for Him and to Him is the only thing that brings me back off the ledge of pity party central.
Question: why did your friend have to get you to admit you’re an extrovert? Have you morphed from intro to extro as you’ve gotten older?
Thanks for sharing your wonderful writings, John, and your inspiring testimony. You truly are inspiring your brothers and sisters in the faith!
Great, great comment here. . . I really, really appreciate you taking the time to such thoughtfully and thoroughly responding here, Natalie. So much to comment back to you on, but I’ll be brief. I’m majorly suffering from jet lag, so about to fall asleep on this keyboard!
Glad you like the rom-com thing and I will try to make sure and fight back the tears!
I love your perspective on “Daily, momentary surrender. In essence we are every day saying, ‘Jesus, you are worth this.'” Great way of saying this in a clear and powerful way. Great reminder and admonishment wrapped up together.
Honestly, I think I had just wrongly self-diagnosed myself a number of years back and just kept thinking I was an introvert. In actuality, I was just a guy who both went through the death of his best friend and a massive breakup within a few months of each other. As a result, I needed tons of alone time during a substantial period of my 20s to process all of this. However, when I got back to “normal” it became clear to everyone around me that I in fact was very extroverted. It took my friend Teri to point out what everyone else saw in me that I did not see.
Thanks for all of your kind words and for the great comment here, Natalie. . . have a great day!
Sorry you have the dreaded jet lag, John! I’m amazed you managed to comment at 12:51am; that’s extremely kind of you to power-through! I’ll be praying for your energy and strength today and hopefully your schedule is clear for you to sleep…A LOT:)
Do you mind my asking are you returning to Asia or have you just left?
I am also sorry for the loss of your best friend. That is a painful blow and I can’t fathom experiencing a major breakup in a close time span of a loved one’s passing.
It’s amazing though what God uses to help us survive. For you it was turning inward and, no doubt in so doing, turning to the Lord in greater measure for solace and healing.
What a blessing to have a friend who could later down the road help you see what you couldn’t at the time. They helped you to see and be the authentic you as the Lord intended and that’s priceless.
Have a great day, John, and get lots of rest!
I AM actually back in Asia. I spent most of the past month in Fredericksburg, VA for the funeral of my friend and then spending time with her husband (one of my oldest and best friends). SO, I was actually commenting at 1:15pm my time!
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement! All are greatly appreciated. Yeah, death is difficult, but thankfully it is temporary. Tracey is with Jesus. No doubt in my and her husband’s minds. We will all be reunited in the blink of an eye. The pain is still real, but so is the hope.
Thanks Natalie!
I feel bad I’ve now brought up two painful topics for you, my apologies! Hope being with friends was healing for you…and that Chick-fil-A was a part of your visit:)
Randomly found this blog — Love the transparency about chick flicks… for me, it’s the action films! I mean, see Skyfall or X-Men or Lone Survivor with a bunch of girlfriends? Not my first choice. 😉
Really appreciated this topic of Christian singleness coming from a (1) single (2) Christian (3) guy (4) ~ age 40 who (5) lives overseas!
When *I* lived in Asia, I thought if I was out doing what I loved most I wouldn’t mind being single so much. But somehow it felt HARDER for me… especially when I had such great opportunities to talk with Buddhist monks, but the fact that I was a woman and couldn’t find partners to help out made it difficult for me to continue the best part of my ministry. Boo!
Other times it’s really hard being single…Making bit, life decisions — it’s nice to have someone else invested in your decision and talking it out with you. And Vacations–trying to find a friend who you’d enjoy traveling with who wants to take the same time off and go to the same place with you!
That said, I do feel privileged to be chosen to walk a difficult path in godliness and obedience. It’s a huge testimony in this fallen, lusty world, that a person can follow God, walk in purity, and serve others. The Lord is glorified, because without Him it would be impossible!
Still, we can hope and pray that we’ll meet someone great someday! Blessings on your courage and boldness!
Karis, great stuff here. Thanks for taking the time to process aloud through this article.
I also feel the weight during “big decisions” of being single. Don’t know why this is the case, but it definitely is.
Great hearing from you here!
So true. Although I guess gals have it easier in that we can watch action flicks no problem. I would add for me it’s going to church as it’s easy to find myself surrounded by “interested” males and rarely meet the females. Another is vacation – much more limited for females, especially in my part of the world. Plus, for the extroverted, finding a vacation mate can be hard depending on where you want to go.
Found your blog through your guest post on A Life Overseas….enjoying perusing!
Thanks! Yeah, I completely agree. Vacations are the worst. I don’t know why I didn’t cover there here. . . brain freeze!
Just visited your blog; looks great! I really admire the work of Wycliffe around the world.
I read this article under another website/blog. It’s very true and I agree with it.
Carmen
Thanks for being so honest and candid and for sharing this! God bless.
My guy friends in grad school secretly called watching Notting Hill (which they owned) “Matrix nights” 🙂
#2 and #7 are the worst! I actually hate New Year’s as a single–worse than Valentine’s Day! And I’ve had over 25 roommates and moved about 18 times since college! (I haven’t updated my count recently)
Thanks for posting! You nailed them. I ditto Traveling Mosaic’s thoughts on both action flicks and travel issues (for girls).
Glad you liked this and can relate. . . I need to adopt your friends’ “Matrix nights” terminology!