If you missed the previous article, you might want to read it first (CLICK HERE). It gives the introduction to this article and the motivation behind it. This article is the final installment of my series “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . . )”. At the end of this article, I would love to hear the thoughts and ideas you have regarding this article.
Here are five of the “best practices” I have learned (mostly the hard way) which have helped me thrive, not merely survive, in singleness.
Do activities that draw you into community
I have written often on this blog in the area of community (CLICK HERE and HERE for two examples), so I will keep it short here. However, I do seek activities which draw me into community with others. In Atlanta, I played softball on a team of old friends (old both in age and length of friendship with the likes of Pat Ku). Here in Asia, I try to only do stuff like scuba dive and dirt biking with friends with whom I want to spend time.
Side note to marrieds . . .
do reach out to singles around you. We don’t always act like it, but we need you to help draw us in. It is huge to have married folks invite us to stuff and include us in life events. I have been personally blessed beyond measure by my married friends including me in their lives over the years. When I don’t have this, it is extremely challenging. When I do, life is much more rich and full.
Stay/get in shape
I’m just like you. I HATE getting my but out of bed early and schlepping my corpse of a body over to the gym before the rest of the world is moving. I hate it. However, one thing I have noticed over the years is just how closely my mind, emotions, and spirit are connected with my body.
As far as food is concerned, I love all food that is terrible for me. I dislike anything that was either not alive at one time or is not made of sugar. This is not good.
When I allow my exercise, diet, or sleep to get out of whack, everything else quickly follows suite. Besides, I hope to one day have children. If I let myself get too far out of shape now, it will directly affect my ability to engage with (potential) future children. I’m already resigned to the fact that I will be that old dude sitting on the bleachers at his kids’ high school graduation(s), but I don’t want to be the one in terrible shape also! Even if no kids are on the horizon, I will never regret investing in my personal health.
As I said earlier, I try my best to incorporate community into this process. Right now, I have a great group of men to do Crossfit with several times a week. Alex agrees to beat us around in the gym and we agree to not cry openly in public. Sometimes I succeed. Additionally, we try to get outside to throw the football, play Wiffleball, or hit the tennis courts any time the weather is good (which is rare).
Have a roommate as much as possible
I know, I know; living with the wrong person can be brutal. I have had a few horror stories myself. This has been many of our arguments for living alone. However, living alone can, and often does, make you become self-centered and fixated only upon your own personal preferences and perceived needs. I’ve had stretches of both having roommates and in living alone, so I can attest to this personally.
Living alone can cause you to waste time and put you on a path where you can easily become bitter and angry. Find a roommate, even if they are not ideal. We all need human interaction on a regular basis. If not, we can easily slide into deep isolation and the problems this leads to.
Don’t believe the lies
We as singles will hear lies regarding our social status as single adults. If not from those around us, definitely within our own heads.
Bottom line, it is imperative that we understand and embrace Biblical singleness (and marriage for that matter). Like any other area where false thinking is the case (lust, coveting, jealousy, etc.), we must learn and choose to embrace truth above that of the noise within our own heads and from that in the world around us.
I’m sure there are good books out there on this topic. I suggest two sermons from friends of mine (and who I feel are the best two communicators of the Bible today).
Rankin Wilbourne of Pacific Crossroads Church in Los Angeles gave this message last year to his congregation which is largely single. Rankin, one of my best friends and closest confidants, was single into his late 30s, so he brings this perspective. His message, Single like Jesus, is the best message on the topic I have ever heard.
David Platt is pastor of the Church of Brook Hills in Birmingham, AL. Great guy and does a tremendous job of espousing a Biblical context for singleness in Singleness and the Next Generation.
Experience different cultures/places, both in missions and for pleasure
God is a global God. He loves all peoples and places. He created them all for His glory and to exhibit a picture of His person and character. There are aspects of the God of the Nations which become more personal and clear when interacting with other cultures and peoples.
Whether in work, leisure, or study, take advantage of your singleness to see the world. Even if travel is impossible for you, befriend and invest in people from other nations and cultures in your own hometown. The experience of learning new cultures, foods, places, languages (if time permits), and people is an incredible blessing.
Single adults are in the best position to do this. In doing so, you will be blessed and will understand God a little better, whom created and loves all peoples and nations.
Smile and laugh
Don’t take yourself so seriously that you forget to simply enjoy life. I see far too many of us singles (a few marrieds also) which seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Honestly, I struggle with this myself, as many of my friends could tell you. As a single, I think we are more prone to see the world as revolving around ourselves. I know I do. When this happens, we will naturally be discontent.
However, as I often remind myself, life is meant to be enjoyed and savored. We are at our best when our laughter is often and our sullenness is kept at bay. We can always find SOMETHING to stress over. Contrarily, we can also always find SOMETHING to smile and laugh about. . . even if it’s our own sullenness and sense of self-importance!
I would love to hear any thoughts or practices you have in this (even for married folks!). This one could be a fun and helpful comments section below, so I invite you to add your suggestions.
(This article is from my series called “My thoughts on singleness (a series). . .” If you liked this article, please check out the rest.)
I enjoyed this one. I appreciate you not going “Donald Miller” on us with your get-a-roommate idea. I think we can take the “community” thing a little too far, and having roommates that may belong in Hangover 3 (personal experience) just to say we’re not living alone, well…
I also related to the “don’t believe the lies” point. This is critical. Getting married at 32, I had a few (several) years to listen to “singleness is a calling” doctrine, which you can imagine my opinion of. I applaud you for not using the “Calling” word in these posts.
You didn’t mention “stay in the boat and throw the line in the water regularly” (i.e. go on dates from time to time, or risk turning into scary mr. inappropriate version of yourself), but I’m sure it was implied.
Tim, yeah, I have never really understood folks when they go in that direction. I think people, sometimes, really do want me to say “I’ve been called to singleness”. I think I might have a book or two written about me if I did, though, so that would be cool. Nope. . . called to Christ. The marriage/singleness thing will take care of itself.
Dude, it’s been too long. Let me know when we can Skype.
Rankin’s sermon was fantastic. Thanks, friend.
Vicky. . . I agree.
Thanks John. Experiencing different cultures/place, both in missions and pleasure is what I always look forward to do.
Your photo reminded me of my stay in ME. If you had unfortunate goatee, I had to wear the black dress as the ladies do.
Anyways, thanks for your thoughts. The things I have learned from your posts, surely I’ll be sharing to my friends too.
Yeah, this what I was referring to when you had your previous comment.
We met with several women when I was over there, and it was pretty rough. My heart definitely went out to them.
Thanks!
I concur with all of this, thanks for sharing your wisdom and expressing it so succinctly. I suppose one thought I have is the importance of learning to cultivate healthy platonic relationships with the opposite sex while you are single. I’m not sure where to elaborate on this and I’ll try not to ramble & rant…
I feel like things are rather gender-segregated at times in the church and it can make things really awkward, especially for the singles when it comes time to interact with the opposite sex. I also generally avoid “singles” groups at church because they feel more like an in-house match-making service than a fellowship group. This is unfortunate, as I think many opportunities to make impact in the community and/or to have an authentic friendship are tainted with the whole relationship pressure thing.
Men and women are so different and I believe learning to understand and support each other as mutual children of God both in everyday life and in ministry is crucial to unity and healthy community.
Hope that all made sense. Have a great weekend!
I completely agree. Maybe it will be a future post, but I just don’t get “singles ministries” in the States. Singles aren’t an “internal mission field” to be coddled, but rather an integral part of the body to be integrated and employed. For the life of me, I don’t get where we took a turn on this one.
Sindy, I do feel weird when I hear the word “wisdom” being used to describe me, though. Not sure I would put this up in that category just yet.
Great hearing from you!
I have been following your blog since you were featured on Ruthie Dean’s page…I never comment, but today I’ve gotta say I have been encouraged and even challenged through so many of your posts. So thanks for writing!!
“There are aspects of the God of the Nations which become more personal and clear when interacting with other cultures and peoples.” I LOVE THIS! I can so vividly remember my 1st overseas mission trip… Dominican Republic…and specifically a worship service we were in. They started singing “Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever” in Spanish…and there is a specific line in the song which said “People from every nation and tongue, from generation to generation”…I can remember being stopped in my tracks, because this was the 1st time I had really worshipped with people from other nations, and really thought about God being the God of all nations. Anywho, I just relived that moment after reading your post. HA I’m thankful for times I learn more about who God is through people very different from me. As a school teacher with no husband or children right now, I LOVE that my summers are FREE to travel! I am actually spending July teaching in China…Ive never been to Asia, nor on a plane longer than 9 hours 🙂 so any advice on long flights or culture adjustment, please pass along!
Thanks again for writing! (And expanding my vocabulary…I didn’t know ‘schlepping’ was a word!)
Jami, thanks for reading and commenting. . . really encouraging reading this! I can completely relate, as I also remember almost everything about my first such trip overseas (to Asia). Great stuff!
Actually, I wrote two posts last summer while on a 15 hour trip addressing exactly what you are asking about here. They are https://johngunter.com/flights-people/ and https://johngunter.com/flights-tips/ . It was well before my writing for Ruthis, so I assume you haven’t seen them. Definitely notice the comments on the “tips” post, as many others add some good thoughts.
Have a great time in Asia! I live over on this side of the world, but I think I will not be in this hemisphere for much of July.
Let me know what you think of them and if they are helpful!
Thank you for sending me those posts. The Flight Tips post is extremely helpful, especially reading all of the comments. I have 10 days before I head to Asia…woot woot. Would you be willing to lift up my team in your prayers…will be teaching some English classes and other things for about 5 weeks. Not sure what I’ve got myself into :). But. I just read your post on reading the Bible, and it was a GREAT reminder of how God’s Word is LIFE GIVING…especially in times where I am anxious of the unknown, of what’s ahead, and anxious about my abilities/inabilities. When I’m abiding in God’s Word, I’m constantly reminded that its not about me anyways. 🙂 So thanks for that post! God bless, and enjoy wherever you are traveling to!
Glad you enjoyed these. Yeah, I really appreciate everyone’s additional comments on the two flight posts. Ended up being a helpful little resource.
I understand about your nerves, but appreciate you taking this step of faith. I am praying for you and your trip today. Thanks for letting me know about it!
John, I’ve found that one of the best practices in marriage is to have two words ready at all times on the tip of my tongue. “Yes dear.”
I plead the 5th.
Great hearing from you, Carson!
I have a story to tell. A friend of mine, some years ago, formed a prayer group with other single women from different churches in her town. In the course of 5 years many of them got married. As a sociologist i have to say here, that maybe it was the time factor, maybe they would have been married anyway as the time went by. BUT what is really incredible, is the fact, that all their husbands had been saved shortly before they met. So as the women started to pray, God started to save men. And i think it is really important in Estonian context, where there is a lot of women (and single women) in churches, much more than men.
Last year, i heard of several christian women who chose to be in a relationship with non-christians and a very close friend of mine started living together with a man who is against christianity and they also have a sweet daughter now. On one hand i was shocked and heartbroken, but i also felt betrayed, i thought we had similar values. But then i realized, i don’t know how hard they fought, and maybe they just lost the fight. One thing i realized though, was that if all the decisions are made in isolation, without talking to other christians, the lies of the enemy are very likely to win (lies like, you are so old already, or there will be no better option). I realized, that it actually can happen to me as well. So i was heartbroken and wanted that single women would live godly lives and i wanted people who would support me and hold me accountable as well. So i sent an e-mail to all of my single christian female friends to form a prayer group of single women. Only 2 of them were interested and now we have had a prayer group of 3 of us a little bit more than a year. We meet once a month and share all the things we are struggling with and pray for each other. This has been such an encouragement for me and my group mates are such examples for me. We have become really close friends. When we are depressed or struggling, we send each other e-mails and messages and pray for each other. It has been a great blessing. I think this practice can only be in same sex groups.
I really appreciated the “side note to marrieds” section you included. I love my married friends dearly and support, serve, reach out to them {and their children} regularly. A friend of mine forwarded this short blog post to me and I thought it was so good in giving practical ideas to married couples on how to reach out to singles – I hope you don’t mind its inclusion:
http://www.peterkgreer.com/2013/03/19/celebrating-singleness/
I also agree with your thoughts on having a roommate. I’ve had roommates more years than not {oh the horror stories I could tell! 🙂 } but am currently in my third year of living alone. And while I have a lot of daily social interaction w/ friends, my church, etc, I can still totally see how easy it is for me to lean towards isolation at times. I’m actually in the process of looking for a new place to live specifically with the intent of having a roommate.
And Rankin’s message was awesome! Thanks for the link!
Thanks for article, Amy! I just read it. Very solid.
Glad you like Rankin’s message. He really is a gifted teacher of the Word. Always amazed at his insight.
Have a great weekend!
Great thoughts Gunter! I appreciated your take on this…and agree. More importantly, I appreciate that you have taken the time to share this with others. Singleness certainly shouldn’t define who we are, nor should being married. Our identity lies in who God made us to be and we can freely live that out in whatever circumstances because of Christ’s redemption. Hope everything is going well over there. I meet people from CQ all the time as I serve at Walt Disney World!
Thanks Kristel. . . great hearing from you! I did not know you were in Orlando. Hope things are well there.
I completely agree with your thoughts here on identity.
Thanks!
As a teacher, I am familiar with and love ‘best practices’! The thing that makes these practices so great is they’re ‘best’ which implies…for any person, anywhere. I think we will all thrive in life if we adopt these practices, John! Hope you won’t mind if I suggest one more… Abiding in God’s word. Recently, a group of us here watched a message from John Piper about this very ‘practice’. It’s a bit long, but so worth the investment of time. Here’s the link http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/if-my-words-abide-in-you–2 I know for me, if I made this a consistent ‘best practice’, I would understand my Father more and would be more secure in my identity in Him. The way you feel when you exercise, is the way I feel when I practice abiding in God’s word…my mind, emotions and body seem to fall into place.
I’m not gonna lie, I really am bothered by labels. So I love what your friend, Rankin, says to his congregation at the end of his message. In essence I think he is saying our identity is in Christ and that when we stand before the Father we will all be brothers and sisters…together the bride of Christ. Such a great picture and is how I would love to relate to and be related to in my community – as a sibling to others – whether married, single, American, Indonesian, young or old. Thanks for the introduction to his sermons. Hope you are enjoying your weekend! Grace& peace!
Alexis, I completely agree, as always with your thoughts here. When I am not consistently in the Word, then I am not doing well mentally or emotionally. Just kind of works that way.
I’ll check out the Piper talk. I have always liked him and enjoyed his stuff.
Thanks!
I have loved this series. I remember telling you to “Bring it on” at the beginning and you most definitely have. I have benefited from you wisdom in this are and the perspective that you have shared.
I LOVED Rankin Wilbourne’s sermon on this topic. I am definitely going to pass it on. One of the most profound statements (to me) in his message was when he spoke about what singleness teaches you….one being “that singleness compels us to confront the void.” Wow! This really made me think about a lot. As cheesy as it could sound It also makes me long for the moment when I will be in heaven face to face with my savior…completely whole…. completely known…and FINALLY getting to physically wrap my arms around Him.
Thank you for sharing your 5 best practices. I can relate to many of them. Here are two I would like to share. I really love to cook and I find that this activity not only keeps me content by myself at times but is also a great way to invite friends over to enjoy food together. I also keep a note card at my desk at work with about 15 verses that I claim to myself in moments of doubt, frustration, sadness, and loneliness that remind me that in the waiting God is at work. Regardless with what I am waiting for…His truth calms by spirit and exposes lies. I would recommend this very practice for every Christian everyday no matter what…but it is comforting for me specifically in this season of Singleness. One of those verses is Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
I am sure I will find myself looking over this series again and again. As always, John, I look forward to your future entries. Thank you for being you. I so enjoy you and your blog.
Ashley, glad you enjoyed Rankin’s talk. He really is an incredible teacher on everything, but I particularly liked this talk.
Great point about cooking. I love when people whom enjoy cooking share this talent with me. I love good food, but can cook almost nothing apart from a grill. Cooking is a great way to build into community and help others like me!
Scripture is also key. Your method is a great one. . . thanks for sharing it here!
Hope you are in the midst of a great holiday weekend!
I so can relate to what you wrote here.. In fact, I have done all of those except for having a roommate. I still find that too hard to do. I’m used to living alone for the past 4 years or so..
Doing things like these has helped me a great deal not to be bitter. I even found myself happier and more content especially when I travel somewhere new. One of so many things I love about living in Southeast Asia is to be able to travel around and find many new things and meet people of different cultures without having to go far.
Although sometimes I find it hard to be single these days especially in the culture I grew up in. but that’s for another topic.
Thanks for adding in here! Yeah, the whole bitterness thing is an easy path to take. One that many have taken. Thanks for sharing about your efforts to stay away from this path.
Thanks for letting me know your thoughts!
Thanks for sharing this. I agree with all the above but the idea of a roommate scares me a little…for some reasons.
In addition to what you have stated above, my 2 best practises in singleness are volunteering and reading.
There are areas of need in every society and if anyone has extra free time during the weekends and holidays, it’s best to find a way to help out and go ahead and do it. Many people are blessed through this, including the volunteer and God is glorified.
I also find time to read…to entertain and to educate myself. It’s rewarding.
Oh, and that photo with an unfortunate goatee? All you needed was a thawb and a Keffiyeh and no one would have known you are American. 😀
Photo of you with an unfortunate goatee! Man, I’d love to see a photo with an unfortunate goatee and with that, I’m going to laugh at myself the whole of today and tomorrow. 😀
Hey Tatuu. . . thanks for these three comments!
Yeah, the holiday comment is great. The US just finished Memorial Day. Always great to be able to utilize these holidays both for others good and for that of personal development.
Facial hair is a nice break, every now and then, but in the end, I think I look pretty goofy with it all. This goatee way but one example!
Hope you are having a great week!
Okay, I don’t remember mentioning Memorial Day but I hope you enjoyed yourself.
Well, not really celebrated over here, but thanks for the well wishes!
John,
Yes, yes!! To your sidenote to marrieds. So important.
I read this yesterday while contemplating an invitation to a regional park about an hour away with a bunch of people I don’t know (except for 2). I wanted to go, but also tend to get nervous if I don’t many of the people who’ll be there–plus I had 3 papers due for school. So when I read what you wrote about community, I decided to go.
Now, I have a 10 year old son who doesn’t have a consistent godly male role model in his life and I have been praying for guy friends who will be a blessing to him and to me (and us to them!). So, off we went to Blue Hole in Wimberley, TX yesterday. We had a great time and there were 2 single guys who played 4 square with Jackson and then took him rope swinging into the Blue Hole. He had a blast!
So glad I went, so glad I read your blog yesterday b/c God used it to bless us. 🙂
Erin
Thanks for letting me know about this Erin! Very encouraging to read about this. Thanks for taking the time to share it here!
I looked over your blog and it looks great! Thanks for sharing your heart in this way.
Really great posts on singleness, I have felt encouraged and enriched by reading all of them and the comments that followed.
Of all the “practices” mentioned I like Smile and Laugh best! 🙂 And travelling, both for pleasure or mission: my first trip over the Atlantic was when I went to Nicaragua in 2009 on a missionary trip, it was an amazing experience. I have just returned from a two-week family trip to Rome, Valencia/Gandia and Paris, it was sooo nice!
I also love spending time petting animals, mostly dogs, it fills my heart with joy and tenderness to hang out in the park walking dogs, basking in the sun, etc. I think spending time outdoors, in the middle of nature, admiring lakes, pastures, green fields, the seaside or the mountains helps one enjoy life more and be grateful for what you already have.
Can I suggest an audio material I find interesting for the topic? Here it is: https://www.audioverse.org/english/sermons/recordings/1171/single-and-satisfied.html
So, let’s be single ans satisfied now and we’ll also be married and satisfied in the future. It’s not compulsory to be married but it is compulsory to be happily married. 😀
Thanks Iulia, as always, for your thoughtful and pertinent comment here. I’m pretty allergic to most pets, so I can’t relate to that, but I do love getting outdoors!
Good write up, thank you for posting. 🙂
Thanks for reading and letting me know you enjoyed it!
After reading through several of your posts on singleness, I am inspired to post some of my own thoughts over being single after 30. Your posts resonate with my own conclusions and advise I often share with singles who (often) will bring up this topic.
It has been liberating to me to recognize the needs of the human heart have been intentionally, specifically designed as they are from the Garden, not something of the curse, essentially they are “needs” that God himself has, and in essence, give evidence of the Image we bear. What a privilege and opportunity allow these hungers and desires to bridge intimacy with our Maker, and to thank Him for His great intimate understanding of our make up.
For example, He does not exist alone but in eternal relationship and union as the Trinity: we are not made to exist alone, but in community, in social relationship. Without intimacy our hearts die, and we even miss knowing a facet of God when we sufferer from isolation and deep relationships. (Realizing there is NOTHING He is not acquainted with in my humanity is amazing…)
Anyhow… don’t want to meander too far into my own musings… bottom line, I often turn these “aches” and hungers into prayers of thanksgiving… until the ache passes or He provides some means of easing it.
i.e – when I ache for intimacy, I thank Him for designing me for intimacy and ask Him to help me be braver in reaching out to others; As I trust Him, He fills my ache, I can more unselfishly love. When He fills my “cup” it only pours over onto others! – He is able to meet, calm, help me persevere, and often leads me into creative, appropriate means of satisfying the ache/hunger.
Thanksgiving is good medicine 🙂
Tammie, tremendous stuff here! I think you have the guts of a post or two in this comment alone!
Thanks for contributing to this article here. I really like your blog. . . keep writing!
Thanks 🙂 You made my day! I will get to work on those posts…. stay tuned!