This journey of writing about singleness continues. . .
When is the last time you read something with a title like, “The blessings and joy of singleness”?!?!?!
Much has been written about the pains and problems of being single. It’s everywhere in the media. Many TV shows, if you think about it, have either primary or secondary themes of singles on the never ending pursuit of finding their purpose and meaning in life, i.e. their spouse. Singleness is portrayed as a necessary evil, a holding pattern, until life FINALLY begins at the marriage alter (or at least at the “happily committed in a stable relationship” stage). You find your partner, ride off into the sunset of contented, relational bliss, and. . . roll the credits.
However, there are great aspects of being single. There really are! I promise. For those of us who are Christians, the Bible is clear that there is great purpose, and even in some cases preference, in remaining single.
The main text in the Bible on this subject is 1 Corinthians 7:32-34.
The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.
Paul talks clearly here about the advantages of being single. His main point is that in not having “divided interests” we are free to simply think about Christ and the values of His kingdom. I know this is a difficult perspective to maintain in the midst of the trials of singleness, but it is true.
Along these lines, here are some of the reasons I am content in, and even grateful for, my singleness.
- Serving the world around me in a special ways: I honestly love being used in a way that builds others up in their faith and/or just makes their lives more pleasant in general. I think we are all this way. Whether it is coaching little baseball (as I did as a single before moving to Asia) or being able to get out of bed and help dear friends (Michael and Beth Gregory) with their injured dog (as was the case with the venerable Albus), I love being able to serve the people around me in ways that would be greatly limited if I were married. This was the case when Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I had the freedom to move back from Asia for a year to be closer to her during that trying time. The examples could flow here, but you get my point.
A healthy Albus on the prowl for his next meal. - Take jobs on calling, not based on money: As a single male, you can live on almost nothing. No couch is too uncomfortable, no leftovers are “too spoiled”, no hand-me-down furniture is “too ugly” to use for single men. Therefore, the needs to sustain life as a single male are minimal. The main benefit this has had in my own life has been in picking my chosen occupations. I am able to first ask questions like “where can I most strategically invest my time and energy” in picking jobs, rather than how can I pay for private school and/or Disney world. Again, families are a wonderful blessing, but according to Paul, they are limiting factors in serving the world with your whole heart and life.
- Along the same lines, singles can take on jobs that are not suitable for marrieds: Reality is that I have been able to do things, a few times, which were just too risky for my married friends. I can go places and do things in certain environments which I would clearly not do where there a wife and kids at home. The minute I were to get married, I would immediately re-think some of my choices in saying yes to certain things, whether they are jobs, projects, or hobbies that place me in unnecessary risk. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t happen often. This type of option, however, would not be possible if I were married. Along the same lines, travel is never something I need to stress over. My married friends constantly must evaluate jobs based on travel and time demands. In order to be a good husband and father, you must be around. This has never even entered my mind. If meetings come up in Thailand that would good for me to attend, I book the flights. If an emergency presents itself in a different city which would be best for me to be there in hours rather than days, then I go immediately. This is a great blessing both to those with whom I work/live and to me personally.
- Go to family or friends in need ANYTIME: I am blessed to have a wonderful family and many long-time, committed friends all over the world. From time to time, there will arise special need in their lives, as is the case for all of us. I love being able to meet those needs. It’s wonderful being able to love and serve those around me in their times of most need. It is a blessing. It is an honor. It is something I am always grateful for when the opportunities arise. Even the draining, difficult times. Actually, ESPECIALLY the draining and difficult times.
- Serve in difficult and needy areas of the world: . . . For the most part, I’m going to leave this unspoken here. However, I do love being able to listen to all options, no matter the country, condition, cause, and resources, when looking to my future jobs. I don’t have to ask first what is possible for my family and me when making career choices. I get to simply ask “where is the need the greatest, where can I play a unique role, and where is my heart?”
I would love a wife and family and still pray for this, if it is God’s will. However, I do have great joy in what the Lord has specifically blessed me with in my singleness.
Paul was not off his rocker when he said “it is better to be even as I am”. . . there is great purpose and joy in singleness! My prayer throughout this entire series on singleness is that I would continue to grow in this personally and the Lord will encourage others along these same lines.
As I stated in an earlier article, “singleness is an OPPORTUNITY; it’s not simply something to be avoided, nor a condition from which one must escape”. Rather than dwelling upon what I don’t have in a wife and children, I do believe the Lord would call us to focus on the joy, wonder, and beauty of what He has given us in all things. The Lord is sovereign, He is good, and He only presents good to us, His children.
May the Lord remind us (both married and singles) of this reality often!
(For the next post in this series on singleness, please go to The role of infused beauty in my life (“softening” a single dude). . . )
WOW, this article was filled with so much information on being single. I simply loved the way you express your life and how you are serving the Lord. You are an amazing man, your life is filled with helping others, and living simple. I am soooooo proud of You and I am honored to be one of your many firends. You really inspire me to want to help others and follow in your footsteps. Sending Love & Hugs!
Thanks Jane. . . you are always quite encouraging. Thanks!
thanks John. want to believe this and live in light of it. perhaps someday, I’ll have a “random camel-herder” pic (and other Christ-magnifying snapshots!) to show too 🙂
Katie, don’t know if I would aspire to such pics, as they smell pretty bad! I’ll pray for you in this area (please do the same for me), as I have been praying for you guys consistently these past few years. Thanks for your comment!
This post made me smile…it really is rare to see posts focusing on this subject in the blogosphere…and especially from a man. So, thanks for sharing your heart. It is a blessing hearing from you…and a joy too.
You have portrayed single-hood as a really fun stage in a persons life especially in the area of flexibility. I agree with you on all of the above. Besides flexibility, it could also read reliability. Having no family commitments makes a single male or female more reliable than their married counterparts. This is because the likelihood of having family emergencies to attend to are minimal and also that we don’t have to consult with a person who may not agree with whatever we have been called to do. I could say, we are always a phone call away–which is fun and a humbling experience when you look at it from a servants point of view
“No couch is too uncomfortable, no leftovers are “too spoiled”, no hand-me-down furniture is “too ugly” to use for single men”… or single women. Add, no space is too small as you don’t have to worry about playing space for your children. I mean, think about it.
Talking of space, I love my space, I love that I don’t have to share it with anyone and no one will be trying to talk to me when I am not feeling like talking or disturbing me when I am trying to concentrate on something like reading a book. Of course I don’t always have such feelings.
One other thing I really love about being single is that I don’t have to worry about what to cook to please someone else. They say the way to a mans heart is through the stomach. As far as I’m concerned, that’s no easy task…
If I may reiterate on what you have stated above, single-hood is an opportunity as it is a stage of life that we must go through if Gods will for our lives is to get married. It would be a waste of time…and life to spend this stage living miserably as someone waits to cross to the other side. To choose to live a happy single life and to actually live it, is honoring to God. My married friend says that happy singles make happy marrieds. I believe her. I also believe that the opposite is true!
As always, Tatuu, thanks for you input here! Many great points I had not thought of. Cooking is one of my absolute deficiencies, so I DO wish I had someone out to help me better think through eating.
I also do agree with your friend. Contentment, ultimately, will come only through yourself and your understanding/embracing of God’s work in your life. If you are discontent/miserable as a single, I’m pretty sure marriage will do little to nothing to solve this issue. It will just look differently within a marriage context. Great wisdom from your friend!
I agree! Can’t wait to read the last article in this series. It’s been fun!
To add on that, it really is a major blessing and a joy to be able to traverse the world like you do…and the fact that you love it. This—> “I do love being able to listen to all options, no matter the country, condition, cause, and resources, when looking to my future jobs. I don’t have to ask first what is possible for my family and me when making career choices. I get to simply ask “where is the need the greatest, where can I play a unique role, and where is my heart?” √√
I agree!
I’ve just had another weekend when they (family and friends) gang up on me (again) trying to convince me of how URGENT it is for me to start living, that is…to get married…Reading this was like hearing God talking to me. Thanks for being God’s voice today,I needed more than anything. Awesome God!!!… The PRAISE mood is ON!
Thanks for writing this. . . I’m encouraged that this has been of encouragement to you. Thanks for taking the time to let me know!
Great post mostly because you embrace who you are and where you’re at and live it fully. If one cannot find contentment in singleness (whether in Birmingham, Asia or NYC), I fear for their spouse! (Not to say seasons of intense wrestling with the Lord over it isn’t normal). On the contrary, gratitude for the unique opportunities of single life also mold one’s heart to accept unique blessings (and with them challenges) at different stages in life as well (as one ages, if one gets married, etc.). The church has to do a better job of encouraging each individual to serve uniquely and take those risks for the Lord that would be inaccessible for marrieds instead of pitying them. I treasure the years I spent single and would not trade a day!
Love watching your writing evolve- looking forward to seeing you next month!
Meagan, I often use you as a positive example in this area. You followed Christ in a very difficult call as a single in your mid-20s. You moved where there was seemingly little to no hope of marriage and you did it with excellence and faith.
Not that this is always the case, but the Lord had you ideal mate in Asia. Thanks for sharing!
Other note, great post on the logistics of communication over here. I’ll pass that along to others coming our way in the future!
I like that part where you said ” singleness is an opportunity” and would probably add… Singleness is a calling for a season, a stage where you are not to be inferior with – facing it with dignity, honor and pride.
Come to think of it, those people who are single or who chose to remain single for a season are the ones who does mighty exploits for God…
I agree, Rachel. You are a great example of this! Thanks for reading and commenting!
John, you’re spot on regarding the differences between married v. single men on couches, leftovers, & hand me down furniture!
Carson, you of all people would know. You were disgusting as a single and have a great home now!
So this means you’re in for my 40th
Definitely…in Thailand. Can’t wait!
John, I loved reading this. Although my singleness is overflowing with responsibility, I too am thanking God for this opportunity to draw closer to Him. A friend recently told me,”A Man/Woman’s rejection is God’s protection.” I like that.
Great hearing from you Paige! I’ll look into that book. I pray for you guys often. Thanks for reading and commenting!
This was absolutely so needed this morning when I awoke… but not because of the blessing of being single… although as a single, I really appreciated the ‘blessings’ which you highlighted. No, somehow what I heard in this post was what was written at the very end “Rather than dwelling upon [my own difficult thing here], ..the Lord would call us to focus on the joy, wonder, and beauty of what He has given us in all things. The Lord is sovereign, He is good…” When I reread your post, I didn’t see the blessings you’d mentioned as “this is what I can do because I am single”, but rather “this is what God can do because I am single”. I was then reminded about the times in Scripture when the children of Israel would build an alter to thank God for who He is and what He had done for them. They would leave the alter where it was so that as others passed by they would remember and would tell their children of what God had done in that place. Maybe in a strange way, this blog was like an alter for me this morning… a reminder to stop and thank the Lord for the blessing of challenges in my life and a reminder of who God is and what he has done in someone else’s …which in turn strengthens and encourages my faith. I am grateful for a big God who speaks to His big family through your blog. Grace & peace!
Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me about this. I am seriously encouraged to read of what you are learning and how you are processing all of this. Very helpful. Very personally encouraging.
I completely agree. Ultimately life is about contentment. This is a daily battle and irrespective of our relational status. Honestly, I hesitated to begin writing about “singleness” for this very reason. Life is much bigger. Christ is much bigger. Singleness is just one aspect. However, for many of us, it is an enormous aspect.
Anyway, thanks again for getting your thoughts down, Alexis. Great thoughts!
I once heard Luci Swindoll reference her book ‘I Married Adventure.’ She told story after story of ‘getting to dance’ because she was ‘uniquely’ single. I completely agree with her and you. Being single allows for adventures and availability to love that marriage sometimes would not permit. There is a beautiful freedom to it because things like finances, location, or ‘getting home’ are not really considerations. But maybe…the most beautiful freedom is the special “RESToring” moments of being still that don’t have to be juggled. They can just be taken. 🙂
Hope the soreness is wearing off and new ‘dances’ are on the horizon.
I was just thinking about the Swindolls last week when I heard of Howard Hendrick’s passing. Great stuff here. . . thanks for sharing it.
I’m still pushing forward and am FINALLY beginning to walk limp free. Let’s see if that lasts.
In the light (and under the “weight”) of everything previous commenters have said, I feel compelled to agree with you and them. 🙂
But I cannot help feeling somewhat frustrated by such a bright picture of singleness and its opportunities… and I think of Adam in the garden of Eden whose singleness feels like mine. But I know (my mama told me ;)) I am so unique… 😀
So, my thoughts on this are these: I will always be missing him (my Adam man), no matter how efficient and useful and serene I may be in my singleness – the only fact that helps is what you said in your last paragraph, His presence in my single life is life.
P.S. Wait, cooking was mentioned… 🙁 this helps, too; since I only cook French fries and omelette, I choose to miss Adam and not poison him, so, there… 😉
Yeah, in the reality of day-in-day out living, this stuff can seem crushing. I write here what I both know to be true and to what I aspire to, but not always what I feel in a given day and/or situation. Thank God for the Gospel of Christ!
I can only cook spaghetti, grill burgers, and scramble eggs, so you have probably have me beat!
🙂 I eat spaghetti about 3 times a week.
Nice. . . another good one is simply peanut butter on crackers. Lots of calories and protein with almost no effort!
John!! I saw a post on facebook for your blog and thought I would read it since it’s my day off and I can do fun things like that….and I kept reading and reading….and looked up and and noticed that an hour went by. Guess that means you write well my pengyou (ha, i barely remember my chinese)!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, your life, your heart with us. It’s so refreshing. This post was fantastic. I like the Lord’s reminders that we aren’t single men and women but we are men and women who are single. Even if the Lord should grant us our desire for marriage and a family, our witness and purpose do not change. Only our circumstances. John, I haven’t spoken or seen you in many moons, but reading this has helped me at least catch up a wee bit on you! Oh yeah, D & Christie Smith go to my church now. We were talking East Asia and I said, “hey, do you know John Gunter?…” …small world.
I look forward to more posts! Keep writing!
Mitzi, great hearing from you and thanks for the encouragement on this blog! Really encouraging. It’s been forever since I have seen you. I actually have a house down the road from Cumberland, but I obviously don’t live there.
That is great about meeting C and Christie. D has been a close friend for a long time.
Great hearing from you!
Thank you for sharing this and for doing this single series. It’s wonderful! I can relate to it all so much and really enjoy reading people’s comments as well. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in this. Society looks down on people who are still single past the age of 30, as if there’s something wrong with us and no one must want to marry us. Instead, we should be looked up to. We decided to wait on God’s best, rather than settling on less than His best and perhaps divorcing.
I am thankful for what the Lord has taught me during my single years. I trust Him that He knows what is best for me. It is often very painful and lonely at times, but I know He has a purpose. It has drawn me closer to Him, which is my greatest pleasure. I know that I never want to become bitter because God didn’t give me my desires. His timing and purpose is perfect. He is good and in the end, that’s all that matters. He is all that matters.
Thanks for adding your thoughts here to this post. . . great stuff.
Have a great weekend!
I have to admit, God has used your blog to bring on a paradigm shift in me. I have been a very self centered person and this husband-topic has been my idol for years and years. Some months ago i thought that i have wasted my youth, because of God. If i hadn’t have the purpose marrying a christian, i would have married long time ago to the man of my dreams (I actually met a truly great man at the age of 24 and he loved me too. But he was not a christian and God clearly showd me, that i can’t start a relationship with a nonchristian. It was a great grace of God, that i could choose the will of God that time). But after reading this post i see, that i have wasted my life in self-centredness, self-pity and accusing God.
But God has hope for us in every situation. God returns our waisted years (as Chris Tomlin’s song “This is our God” sais http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwfHkZOU1_o)
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25)
“Instead of shame, you will get a double portion;
instead of humiliation, they will rejoice over the land they receive.
Yes, they will possess a double portion in their land
and experience lasting joy.” (Isaiah 61:7)
Just to add to the last post. Your example of focusing on serving is truly encouraging!
Hey John, God bless you! I am so glad I read this. I am a 28 year old woman. Single, and I’ve never even had an official boyfriend-girlfriend relationship before. I used to think I didn’t want to get married or have kids before. It wasn’t untill 3 years ago or so that I started loving kids and thinking about getting married. I am going through a healing process and I want to find the joy on being single again, so I can serve the Lord fully and give him my all right now. Thanks for sharing…
I need your prayer and the prayer of whoever reads this and wants to help me pray. I’m suffering right now because I met someone and fell in love with him. We had a beautiful friendship and I saw future between us. I had big hopes on it, and my heart was happy with this guy. He was emotionally unavailable, and had baggage, but I was willing to wait for him to deal with his issues, because I love him and he is a man of God.
We tried knowing each other in a more romantic way, still being just friends, that liked each other. When everything seemed “perfect”, and things looked good, one day he said we couldn’t do it, because he sees me better as a friend. It broke my heart, because he said and did everything you say and do when you are working on setting up the base for a long lasting relationship. And yes, I don’t have the personal experience, but I do have the relationship models of friends and family.
I did everything I was suplosed to. I prayed, I fasted, read the Bible, got closer to God. I invested so much of my life in so little time to end up with nothing but pain and unreciprocal love. I gave this relationship to God and somehow we managed to stay being friends, but of course, I still love him and I have some kind of hope for the future with him.
So this is really recent, and just yesterday he told me he has started dating his next door neighbor. A believer, but don’t-go-to-church girl. Now his baggage and emotinal unavailability has magically vanished. Now he talks about marriage and sees a future wife and mother of his children on her. I am shocked… and of course I’m angry and hurt, but I guess I’ll get over it…
What hurts me and worries me the most is that he can’t see that the enemy has planted his seed in his heart in a way he is willing to live outside God’s perfect will just because he has feelings for this girl. And he is even doubting that he has a ministry (we are talking about a great pianist/drummer/guitar player/ singer)!
I don’t know why I can still see him in my life in the future. I really need prayer, and I also need God’s healing. But what I really want is to be able to find joy in my singlehood to serve the Lord the way he wants me to.
Hey Marie,
Wow, you have a lot here. Thank you for reading, commenting, and letting me know of your of your current situation/heartbreak. It is a very tough and confusing time you are in right now.
I wish I could share some comforting words making sense of your pain, but I can simply offer you my prayers. Know that I am praying as I type. I’m praying for wisdom and grace for both you and this man. I’m praying against lies and I am praying simply for the Lord’s wonderful will.
Thanks again for sharing your story here.
Your Brother in Christ,
John
Thank you so much for this blog! I am so happy I found it and am looking forward to reading more of your posts in this series on singleness. I recently began facilitating a singles ministry at my church this year and have organized our first five monthly meetings (January through May) to feature one word about living as single Christians – Content, Hope, Joy, Encouragement, and Service. Our meeting featuring “Joy” is this Sunday. So, finding your post was a blessing for me. “The blessings and joy of singleness” – yes, indeed! I will share your blog with the members of the group. God bless you!
Thanks Karen…thanks for letting me know you have read and enjoyed this blog! Very encouraging.
I see you making a distinction between being single and being married with children. However, in these days it’s also very possible to be married without children. A couple without kids can even be far more powerful on the mission field than a single person. You have 2 brains that can help with thinking things through instead of only one, when one gets sick, the other one can look for help, etc, etc, etc.
Some mission organizations even don’t want single men on their mission field, only married ones, usually because some single men got lonely and ran after the local women. Single women are never a problem, as far as I know.
Paul wrote his piece when it was very difficult for a couple to choose a life without kids. Nowadays it’s easier because of contraception easily being available and it’s more accepted in society. For the mission field it’s definitely an advantage to be married without kids, even far more than to be single.
Another advantage of being single is you can eat whatever you want whenever you want?
Grow up.