I am a guy. I like guy things. Sports. Competition. Adrenaline. Guy movies. Guy humor.
My humor embarrasses my sweet nieces, Anna and Kathryn. They love me, as I do them, yet when I say something which I feel is funny, they inevitably don’t like it. They like me, just not my humor. They are beautiful, tender, and sweet. I am not.
My apartment is practical, yet barren. I have more devices and gadgets than I do serving plates. Wires and extension cords are everywhere. I have comfortable chairs, yet they are ragged and old. While my apartment is generally clean, my walls are also, with not one single picture hung throughout my entire living quarters.
Additionally, the people I spend the bulk of my days with are men. Both in work and in life. Both single and married. The common fabric of men is that we are generally, on average, well, um, gross. We say crass things (even married guys away from their wives). Hygiene is not our top priority. Not even a top 10 priority. Restaurants are chosen by factors of quantity, taste, and price; NEVER by the aesthetics or food presentation. Never.
So goes the life of a single male. . . at least this single male.
A few years ago, I realized something fairly obvious to most, yet which had never previously occurred to me. Married men have a natural beautification, a natural softness in their lives that I do not have in my own. Wives are a wonderful blessing to men. Among the many wonderful blessings, wives bring beauty and tenderness into the lives of their husbands. As time was going on, I felt this lack of beauty in my own life was affecting me. It was making me more coarse and “hardened” than I wanted to be. . . and as Kathryn and Anna would attest to.
Moreover, I am convinced that all men WILL seek beauty; it is just a matter of whether it is legitimate or illegitimate. Unhealthy (or illegitimate) substitutes for beauty men will sometimes gravitate towards are things like pornography, extramarital affairs, and even addictions to things like alcohol or gambling. I clearly don’t want any of this present in my life, as I’m sure you don’t either.
So, I decided to make sure there is “infused beauty” in my life. Softening elements that work to lessen the hardening of all the “guy-ness” that is my existence and to guard against illegitimate forms of beauty from creeping into my life.
Here are the three main areas where I find I can infuse beauty into this life of mine.
Music
True confession; I wanted to be a rock star when I was a kid. My parents gave me a cheap electric guitar when I was in 6th grade and I enrolled in lessons at a local music shop. I had dreams of being the Eddie Van Halen of my generation. The problem was that Eddie had invested countless hours of his life practicing chords, riffs, and all that other guitar lingo. I liked playing baseball and football way better than idly sitting in my room practicing the likes of “Greensleeves” while my friends ran wild outside.
My career as a guitarist lasted a few months. However, what did persist, long after my failed attempts to woo the world from the stage with my awesome guitar solos, was a love of music.
Life’s goals and ambitions pushed music out of my life around college. However, in 2007, when I first realized I needed “infused beauty” in my single-male existence, I have personally invested into the music scene once again. I read about new bands. Track trends and buy new and interesting music often. I love simply popping on the ole’ iPhone, walking around in the Asian night air, and enjoying tunes. Though seemingly trivial, I think I gain as much mental and physical health from this as I do working out.
Just as in my youth, music is once again an important part of my life. In my world of work and stress and victories and defeats, music has brought a softening element to my soul in a way that is difficult to explain.
Concerts, theater, and museums
Along the line of this first point, I love going to concerts/performances of musical artists. Prior to any trips I make to America, I always see who is playing in the towns I will be in. If work permits, I try to make the shows. Three years ago, it was my favorite band “The National”. Incredible concert.
Additionally, I try to hit whatever museum or theatrical performance of note wherever work takes me. Two years ago, I had a 12 hour layover in Amsterdam. Because of this value, I navigated that European train system on 3 hours of sleep and spent a few hours at the Rembrandt museum there. Incredible experience.
My Mom instilled a love of plays in me early in life, once even dragging the family to New York for a weekend to simply see three plays she thought her kids “must see”. I hated it at the time, but now am very grateful for this outlet of beauty in my otherwise “guy life”. It is still something that makes my life richer and more complete, especially as a crass single male. Thanks Mom!
Movies of substance
I also have Mom to thank for this one. Going to the Tara and Fox Theaters in Atlanta with Mom seeing Hitchcock and other classic movies growing up has paid off as an adult. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis movies that would best be described as disgustingly hilarious, at best.
However, inspiring, thought provoking, and theatrically strong movies play a significant role in bringing “infused beauty” into my otherwise single-dude world. Favorites such as “Chariots of Fire” and “Shadowlands” are movies which, when engaged with and entered into, will strengthen your soul and spirit.
I’m not sure if there is an equivalency for single women, but I do find that this area of “infused beauty” is something single men must address in order to keep growing as a person. If not addressed, I do believe we are prone to move towards illegitimate forms of beauty, as mentioned earlier.
I’ll write on other elements I have found need to be in place for me to live a healthy single life in a week or so. However, this issue of “infused beauty” is something that has been on my mind for a few years. I wanted to give this subject an entire post, rather than a mere bullet point in the post I am yet to write.
Thanks for reading and have a great week!
(For the next post in this series on singleness, please go to 4 “big picture” principles on living the single life well.)
Loved your story on how to infuse beauty into your life. I think you are a Beautiful person, inside and out ,so whatever you need to do to make your life as a single dude more beautiful,whether it is music or theater, go for it. I get so wrapped up in your writing, that I feel like I am on that journey with you ,saying you’re doing great, just keep up the good work. I do enjoy your light hearted blogs, they just make you think and feel good. Have a Great Week and look forward to your next article. Hugs!!!
Great hearing from you, Jane! Thanks for your words here. . . have a great week!
Good post bro! Had me chuckling all the way through it!
Thanks, my friend. . . you are an inspiration to “gross” men everywhere!
really good John. reminds me of the truth from Ecclesiastes 3…that “He will make everything beautiful in it’s time, for He has put eternity in the hearts of men”…reminding us that in and flowing out of the heart of God, are both timeless eternity and exquisite beauty! (have you ever read A Severe Mercy??) Love how He stands ready to fill the gaps in our lives in unique ways….May He sweep you away with breath-taking displays of beauty today! 🙂
Thanks Katie. . . great thoughts from Ecclesiastes! Thanks for adding that in here.
Thank you for sharing John! This is wonderful! I too have seen how men soften with marriage. I think both partners become better, iron sharpens iron. This happens when people have kids as well. I think it’s wonderful when men seek out beauty. It is good for you, your future wife, and your future children.
Women need it too; I am drawn to all kinds of beauty in everyday life. I am so amazed at the little things He decided to make beautiful, just to make us smile. I hope we can always see the beauty in things, it means we’re seeing the beauty in God!
Thanks Heather. . . great points here.
Interesting! I think your next job should be a writer or a psychologist.. Not sure which 🙂
Nice. Don’t think I would be good at either, so I probably should keep looking. Hope you are well, Melody!
gunter, i love this post. Thanks for sharing your heart, as always.
Thanks AM. . . love following and praying for you guys through Instagram. Thanks for continuing to keep us informed on Foster!
Interesting post John!
I have always thought men to be rough and accepted that that’s how they are and were meant to be and therefore needed no beautification! But the beautification I had in mind was that of a man abandoning dude stuff completely. Now I get where the difference lies. The list of things that help infuse beauty into your life is quite agreeable. This is the umpteenth time I have read you mention The National, for curiosities sake, I will have to find out who they are.
For us single women, my take(just in case someone else has different thoughts) is that we don’t need beauty to be infused. We are born soft and what we have to do is find ways to maintain the softness- or rather ways to prevent the beauty from being drained…and it gets drained a lot.
Tatuu, yeah, this is kind of my thinking also. God in goodness made men and women to compliment, not duplicate, each other. I think this is definitely an example of being complimentary of each other.
Women don’t need help in the beauty area, but men definitely do. Not sure where such areas might be needing similar attention for single women, but I agree that is not normally a need to bring beauty into their lives.
Thanks for you thoughts!
I am a big fan of The National, but I do think they are somewhat of an acquired taste.
Thanks!
I love the imagery of “infused beauty”, John. Although I am going to think more broadly than being a single man, I appreciate your point of view here, understand what you are saying and do agree there are observable changes which happen over time to married men and women because of the influence of the other. But I think this is such a message for all of us. Whether married, single, young, old, male, female (taking away the labels which can restrict our identity), God creates us in His image and for community. A by product then of life with Him and life in Christian community is that very “softness” which you wrote about so beautifully. However, we all seek that “illegitimate beauty” you mentioned too. This is not just a male issue then… its a man (human) issue. An infusion of God allows us to see and appreciate those things which are contrary to our sinful nature. As a result our rough edges are worn away, revealing more and more of Christ in us.
Am on holiday this week and have a bit more time for thoughtful, quiet times. Will be pondering thoughts above as well as the times that God says “May you be filled with…” Infusion, right?! Grace & peace…
Btw…read your last post while traveling. Am praying for your Brother to be filled with HOPE!
Tremendous thoughts and points here! Thanks for taking the time to share them. Thanks also for praying for my friend.
Thanks a great, restful vacation!
Love it Gunter. Really enjoy the blog man.
Thanks Daniel. I didn’t even mention the “throne” that you have had the opportunity to sleep on. Probably should have been mentioned in the “guyness” of my apartment. Thanks for the comment and hope your week has begun well!
“The common fabric of men is that we are generally, on average, well, um, gross.”
This cracked me up. I work directly for five men and I can give a hearty “amen” to just about everything you mentioned in your post. As I am the only girl, there are times when I just can no longer handle the “grossness,” the lack of hygiene, the “humor.” The lady that comes to clean our office even installed an air freshener because the office just smelled like “guy.” My desk area, on the other hand smells like freshly baked cookies all the time because I’m constantly burning candles. And that of course, makes them come and hover in my area, bringing their smell with them. HA…I’m dying laughing right now.
ANYWAY, I’m really wow’d by the the fact that you have been so intentional about adding beauty into your life. This is something I’ve never thought of (regarding men), let alone heard any man say. Thanks for such a unique perspective on this subject. I really enjoy reading your blog.
P.S. a green houseplant works wonders in barren spaces. 🙂
Amy, glad you can relate to this (actually, I feel sorry for you!). Definitely a difference between the sexes. . . one of many!
I tried the plant once, but came to find out that require water. Who would have known!?!?
Thanks and have a great day!
LOL! Amy, I read this comment yesterday and I have just been thinking about it and still laughing 24 hours later. All that guy smell. Haha! I feel you!
Wow, you’re proof that unicorns are real. I thought simultaneously manly & cultured men were mythical creatures, but you exist!
Here’s Will Ferrell, music, and theater {albeit not live} wrapped up in one uber classy movie for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp3UoqOkFJo
Great scene from a great movie. . . I try to watch it every Christmas season!
Who would have thought that the girl in the shower would end of a huge start? New Girl is now one of, maybe my favorite show right now. Thanks!
“Hello fish Cece, I’m going to put you back in the sea”…”Uh Schmidt, that don’t go to the ocean.” …”What are you, the city planner?!” Best show ever.
“I smell amazing. Like a baby. . . in a meadow.”
“I don’t trust fish…they breathe water.”
Sindy, what a great blog you have there! Been going through it and I love it. If you see a frequent visitor from Kenya in the stats, know it’s me. You write well. 😉
Wow this is strange replying to a comment addressed to me on someone else’s blog. Thank you Tatuu, so much for stopping by and reading. All the way from Kenya, how amazing.
It’s not infused beauty from a woman so much as force fed.
Not sure how to respond to this, but only to say, hope you are well and hope to talk soon!
GOOD Words JOHN… I Always enjoy reading your experiences.
HUGS !!!!
Great thoughts John. I’ve always liked the warrior poet concept.
Great image from a great movie. Love the image also.
Great entry… don’t go getting too soft on us.
No. . . no. . . never.
Yes, what a great post, I very much enjoyed reading it as well as the comments. I especially liked Amy’s and Sindy’s! 🙂 🙂
Thanks Iulia! I agree, as both make great comments.
Loved this entry! I appreciate your perspective on “softening” and all together desire for the “Arts.” (I love the art’s.) It is nice to read about a man who opens himself up in this way and seeks opportunities and avenues to grow. Looking forward to your next entry.
Thanks Ashley. It clearly does not carry over in my ability to give interviews. Nothing artistic about my performance there!
Whatever! You rocked it! We have shown it a couple of times to different groups.
First of all, let’s discuss The National with one word.
YES.
It was great to read this as I’ve recently been reflecting on the necessity of beauty in my own life. I work in human trafficking prevention & it can be tempting to become a solely practical being. I’ve realized that not only am I rather impractical (let’s be honest) by nature, but beauty is a gift of God. It’s part of why I care so much about justice.
In terms of singleness, I’ve discovered the value of having male friends. I’m blessed with some good ones who I can directly ask, “Am I overreacting?” (etc.) and expect a truthful answer…even if I don’t like it. I also appreciate the ability of men to be simultaneously strong and gentle, for example, your relationship with your nieces. One of the reasons you are special in their lives is probably because you are an uncle, not an aunt, and while you clearly display love for them you are also clearly a man.
That probably sounds obvious but I hope I made some sort of point! : )
The National’s new album drops today, so good for us!
Thanks for your work in trafficking. Huge, huge issue in this part of the world. As a matter of fact, I have a half written post on the subject, but just haven’t completed it yet.
I can only imagine the need to cling to beauty and hope in working in your world. Must be tough.
Great point on opposite sex friends for singles. I have been blessed with some wonderful such friendship. I consider some of my long-time friends’ wives to be among my best friends. I am richly blessed by all of these relationships.
Finally, I do love my sweet nieces. . . I do hope our relationship is building into them in ways you have talked about here!
I’m new to your blog and cracked a rather wide grin at this piece. I’m blessed to have grown up with three brothers… but, yes, they often stink.
I think one comparable theme in a single woman’s life is cultivating an appropriate toughness and ingenuity with things mechanical, manual, and logistical. Not quite as lovely-sounding or enriching as a trip to the local museum but I can say that car mechanics no longer intimidate me and Home Depot is quite a lot of fun.
Hey Jessica, thanks for reading and letting you know you liked this article!
I had never thought about it from the female side of things. Interesting thoughts.
Honestly, I’m not very mechanically minded, but I do like doing home improvement stuff (when I live in America). Regarding car stuff, I mainly just look for someone I can trust and go with whatever they recommend.
Thanks for chiming in here!