Last December, I was sitting in a meeting when I received this message from a friend. . .
Please pray for our church. Some awful stuff has come out about our pastor. It is really upsetting. Pray for him. Pray for our church. Very confusing.
At the break, I checked the internet only to read of adultery and other moral failures. He had left the church and was unrepentant for his actions. My heart broke. Today, I read that it is not only this pastor, but two others from the same city (Orlando, Florida). My heart breaks.
My heart breaks for the many people that follow these men. My heart breaks for their families, their children, their wives. My heart breaks because this is yet another example of churches whom will be marred in internal conflict, while the world around them is in need of the Savior they worship. My heart breaks.
My heart ALSO breaks for these three men.
I am privileged to know and be friends with many wonderful Christian leaders; pastors and organizational leaders of all types. Unfortunately, I have received a call on several occasions where such men have confessed to me moral failings on all levels. I have walked through this with a few of them. It’s brutal. Again, my heart breaks.
As I sit here processing this, several thoughts come to mind regarding fallen pastors and other Christian leaders.
It is tragic.
Make no mistake; there are NO winners in this. All are wounded when leaders fall to moral failure. You can look in all directions and you will find carnage. Families, church members, other leaders. Everyone experiences ramifications from issues of Christian leadership moral failure.
It was NEVER the dream of the fallen leader to end up in this situation.
No pastor starts his career hoping to have an affair, implode his family, and destroy his congregation. No one. I think it is far too easy to vilify people in these situations. Yes, what they have done is awful. No doubt about it. However, they are also real people whom never wanted to be in this situation. They got here because of sin and bad choices. However, they never wanted things to be this way.
Pastors (and Christian leaders of all types) are often under pressure to a level most cannot comprehend.
Leading others in matters of the heart (like faith) is tough. It is deeply personal. When you make mistakes, people point these out with vigor and vitriol. When you succeed, it is expected. People place exceedingly high expectations upon their Christian leadership. Leaders feel this. The pressure can be constant and wearing.
Pastors (and other Christian leaders) are often isolated.
Many leaders have little to no emotional outlets. All of their community is being led by them. People treat their leaders differently. They just do and the leaders know this. It can make being open in areas such as loneliness, marital strife, and moral temptation difficult, if not impossible. We all need outlets for areas such as these. Pastors often have none. (I wrote an article about this a few months ago.)
Pastors (and other Christian leaders) are often discouraged idealists.
The vast majority of the time, people enter ministry to impact the world for Christ. They have been changed by Christ and the Gospel. They dream of seeing the world around them impacted in a similar fashion.
The problem is that ministry is hard. It’s really hard. When your motive and actions are centered upon the honest and earnest expansion of the Kingdom of God, then you will have resistance from every direction. It will come both from within and from outside of the church. It is a fact of life.
When pastors are isolated and don’t handle this pressure well, then a break of some sort is not far behind. It might be emotional or physical, rather than moral, but a break will eventually happen. It’s all the more tragic when it is a moral break.
Don’t get me wrong; these three men (and others like them) are definitely in the wrong. They have sinned and abdicated their God-given responsibility of leadership within the body of Christ. Sin always has consequences and theirs will be vast and expansive.
However, I do feel compassion for these men and the others I have known whom have fallen into like situations. They are not evil people, yet they have fallen into evil.
My personal action points here are simple.
First, pray for those in areas of Christian leadership. They are attempting to do great things for the Kingdom of God. They will be resisted and opposed in every direction. They are also human and prone to failure, just as I am.
Second, cut your Christian leadership some slack. They are not perfect. Far from it. They will need grace, kindness, acceptance, and friendship like anyone else.
Third, reach out to your pastor/leadership in kind, Christ-like ways. Pastors desperately need honest, open, mutually committed friendships. They need to be able to take their leadership hats off and unwind. We need healthy outlets. They need others whom are committed to them in friendship and service.
This will not eradicate moral failures for the Christian leaders around you, but it might help keep one or two away from the danger zones.
I was literally sick upon hearing about the story you shared when it happened. I pray and continue to pray for that pastor, his wife and kids and other pastors. Thank the Lord that He is the head of the body and always is faithful and continues His work in spite of man!
Completely agree. Are any of them where you guys worship?
Unfortunately, I knew of 2 of the three when I was in Orlando and one before he was a “mega-church” pastor. In addition to what we can do, pastors need to take initiative to safe guard themselves by being accountable to other pastors and not focused on their own “empire” but the KINGDOM. Rick Warren is overseas constantly and has done well so far. He has a kingdom focus and not a saddleback focus.
Mike, that’s rough you know these guys.
Absolutely pastors need to take their own initiative in finding fellowship, just wanted to throw some thoughts out in reaching out to them first.
Love pics of your family on Facebook!
Fantastic article you have here.
I really resonated with the concept of discouraged idealists. This is something that I often wrestle with. I often find myself needing to vent in regards to my own job with students. I see what God has been doing me and what he has encouraged me with and when I pass it on, I see glazed faces. It gets discouraging to not see the reaction you hope for sometimes. It all comes down to prayer though. I just keep praying about it.
One thing I did was get someone to start discipling me. I had been pouring out and pouring out and I realised that I hadn’t anyone pouring in to my life. I asked a good friend of mine and it has been really helpful. Not to mention having a team of people who keep me accountable, pray with me and are there to listen to me when I need a friend to lean on.
Often we lift up our pastors (or other Christian leaders) to lofty heights and then suddenly let them go and then wonder why they fell so far. I love your action steps, to pray and get around these people. To keep the support of a community rooted in Christ in place.
Great thoughts, Josh. Great initiation in getting others to specifically pour into you. I have also always had this influence and it has been my saving grace.
Great hearing from you!
Your thoughts are good, John. I try and talk with our staff about this same stuff. The more I’ve been in leadership positions, the less I get asked questions and I WANT to be asked the hard questions and be open about my life with others. I think your points are spot on. Have you heard or read the book “Replenish” by Lance Witt? I think you’d really enjoy it. I read it last fall and took our staff women through it this past spring and it opened up LOTS of good discussion about some of this stuff regarding image management. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there—good stuff!
It really is easy to see how folks get isolated in leadership. I know it has been a constant struggle for me over the years.
I’ll look into that book. I’ve never heard of it.
Thanks and great hearing from you!
Reading this post conjures up memories and emotions- heartache, sadness, disappointment, anger- aimed at the different players in these scenarios… Pastors, participants in wrongful relationships, congregations, believers at large.
I come from a broken church. A church broken because of a pastor who ‘fell’. Although, let’s be real… He didn’t ‘fall’ into sin…he chose to sin. I still remember the service where we were caught unaware by the announcement. I felt ‘gutted’.
It’s been 12 years since then and I am thankful to the Lord that his grace has been the hero! God redeemed my pastor’s marriage and his family and his ministry. And he is a changed man and so are all the people who surrounded him through his repentance, reconciliation and rebuilding. So I totally agree with you that we pray for our leaders. No matter their calling, they desperately need it!
But somehow I think there another player whom we need to reach out to and pray for too. When my pastor ‘fell’ the girl he was involved with ( who was also well known, well respected and well loved by many) was banished. She was the ‘villain’ who caused our beloved pastor to be led astray and therefore somehow didn’t deserve compassion and help and forgiveness and redemption. Although I didn’t know her personally, I moved back to Indo the week after the announcement, I never saw her again. I didn’t reach out from afar, didn’t offer any words to her and didn’t pray for her. I didn’t have any compassion in my heart either. I am not proud of that today. We should pray for the women(or men) from these stories of ‘fallen’ leaders too. Whatever their role in the situation, they do not come out unscathed or without pain. Their lives are usually broken and also in need of a healing/restoring touch from our God.
As sad as it is to read posts like this, I know there is hope! I have seen God make something good out of what was very bad. I appreciate the perspective you’ve shared here, John, as well as the call to compassion and prayer for men and women in Christian leadership. Praying for my pastor here and at home and praying for my friends in leadership around the globe today! Grace and peace…
Thanks for you input here. Honestly, I am ashamed to admit it, but I have never thought about the “other party” involved in this. You are exactly right. I think in the cases I have been involved in personally, have not know the other person. However, great point here. Concerted effort to reach out to them would also be called for.
Very wise. Thanks for you example of grace here!
I just finished a study on the life of David. I think that David had to have lived one of the most exciting lives! Your entry obviously fits right on in to a portion of David’s life and his specific sinful actions with Bathsheba. As we experience how heartbreaking, devastating, and damaging sin is praise God that He exposes us (sometimes privately and sometimes very publicly) to free us from bondage. My prayer is that these men and all parties involved have a response like David did when Nathan confronted him. A response of brokenness and repentance while trusting in God’s sovereign plan. David’s affair with Bathsheba wasn’t the first time that he had drifted from God or had moved ahead without consulting God first, yet King David is still known as a man after God’s own heart. Praise God that he sanctifies us in our disobedience and can use bad for good. We have hope!
Wow, great thoughts Ashley! Honestly, I had not been thinking about David in processing this. Extremely helpful in thinking though this entire situation. You are exactly right, perfect analogy and teaching place when dealing with moral failures in Christian leaders, how God interacts with such failings, and the proper way to respond afterwards.
Great thoughts. . . thanks for writing them here!
What a great reminder, Ashley!
This is sensitive, insightful, and truthful.
Thanks Caroline!
Great stuff here. I’m a fallen pastor. I fell almost four years ago. Since that time, I’ve dedicated my time to helping those who fall, and to prevent it from happening to others. After my fall, I found there were few resources to help those in peril. Many have noted that pastors who fall are thrown away like garbage. That’s a broad statement, but there is some truth in it.
I hope people will listen to your wise words.
Thanks! I appreciate you chiming in here and I respect your heart to serve in an area in which you never assumed you would serve.
Blessings!
I searched for the words ‘fallen pastor’ and came across this article. I am choosing to respond to this particular post by Alexis, because I was the ‘villian’ in my story.
I was married for 9 years. My marriage was abusive and empty. I never reached out for help. I did not want to face the emptiness in my marriage, it was a lot easier to be in denial. Growing up, I had heard stories of several generations of women being abused. I knew I was not going to find a lending ear amongst my family and friends from the same culture. I so badly wanted to make it work. I so badly wanted to be happy. I filled my life with all sorts of distractions.
Church became my biggest distraction. Through the work I began doing, I got to know several fellow pastors. Teaching the faith gave my life meaning again. It was all that I found joy in. It was while I was on this journey, that I met a pastor who seemed to share the same passion that I had for the Church. Over time we became friends and then, I, his confidante. I began sharing the story of my life with him. He too seemed to be in a broken marriage. He told me that sin (of abuse) had already broken my marital vows, and that God was leading him and I togther. He and I had much in common. Maybe I really wanted to believe that God was leading us together, and so I started a relationship with this man. It never once occured to me that I was having an ‘affair’. I was so far gone.
Fast forward a few months, my Church confronted me about the affair. The man I was married to shared with the elders of the Church evidence of the affair. I lied to the elders about the affair until they placed the evidence in front of me. My husband never once directly confronted me with it. He was waiting for me to fess up.
Life as I had known it, came to crashing halt that day…and another chapter began the next day.
I confessed my sins to the man I was married to, the pastor of my Church, to the elders of the Church and my friends. I asked them for their forgiveness. I stopped communicating with the other pastor. I began my journey of repentance and building anew.
For most it was too late. To them, through the lies I had told them, I had already become the vile woman, incapable of any good. I was socially isolated from my Church. I lost my entire Church family.
It has been a year, and people still talk about me and my affair. There has been no forgiveness, there has been no reconciliation. It is hard being where I am. It is hard having lost so much in life.
But through this pain, a lot of good has come. My faith has grown stronger. His grace has carried me through each day. I could not do it without Him. I do not know how I wake up each morning and go about my day, having lost my family and friends, but I do. I know it is His grace and mercy that carries me through.
To those of you, who know of those who have fallen from His grace, give them your compassion. The lost sheep will need your compassion and prayers and forgiveness to find their way back home.
Thank you for talking about the ‘other woman’. For the rest of her life, she will have to carry the burden of being labeled ‘the one who made the pastor fall’.
Today, she is the prodigal daughter trying to find her way back to her Father’s home. If you know her, embark on that journey of forgiveness and bring her home.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and heart-break.
It is definitely brutal on both sides of these situations.
I am sorry, but I am running out the door. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your taking the time to write out your story here. Very touching.
No, you are fine. A kind word does not have to be long..it umm, just needs to be kind, so thank you:)
If there is anyone reading this, who is involved in a relationship such as this, I would urge you to please take a step back, and reevaluate the situation. God does not lead us through a path of sin to do His will. Getting involved with a man who is married, or who has taken vows of celibacy is not God’s will. If it is God’s will, he will lead you both there through a path of righteousness.
The book ‘Unseen Warfare’ along with the Scriptures has helped me greatly through this journey. I share this so those living through what might seem like your darkest days may find comfort. God Bless.
Thanks Anastasia. . .God bless!
It breaks my heart to read these comments..church after church…pastor after pastor falling. There is another side to the ‘affairs’ that pastors get caught up in. Actually, we don’t give the pastors enough credit for the amount of deception and planning that goes into this. Anastasia I am too the victim of pastoral abuse. It was NOT an affair. It is the same dynamic as a counselor/client or teacher/student relationship. There is an imbalance of power, and when the person who is responsible for maintaining proper boundaries (the pastor) fails to do so, IT IS ABUSE. I feel most for the poor women, like me & Anastasia, who get overlooked in these scandals. Everyone rushes to the side of the pastor’s family, but what about the woman? Rarely does she get help or get to tell her side of the story. Most of these women cower away in shame or seek private counseling, never bringing her abuser to account for what he’s done. My pastor used ‘psychological language’ and biblical references (David & Bathsheba) to justify his feelings towards me. He pursued me from day one, and wore me down by using ALL that he knew about me and my abusive childhood. He was a predator. A pastor is to live by a higher standard, and thus should be disciplined by a higher standard. If a counselor enters into a relationship with a client, they lose their license. They can’t counsel anymore. When a pastor seeks to enter into a relationship with a staff member or parishioner, it is abuse, plain and simple. Let’s call it what it is. There is no restoration. Forgiveness – absolutely. Restoration – no. A sacred trust has been broken that disqualifies him from leading a church.
I really am sorry and grieve for you over your situation. In no way do I mean to imply the pastors are not to blame. Definitely not my heart in writing this article.
I honestly feel that pastors having affairs are disqualified from the ministry. There MIGHT be rehabilitation available in A FEW isolated cases, but these should be few, far between, and in exceptional cases. I completely agree that pastors preying upon women in their congregation is literally disgusting and a massive failure on their parts.
If I communicated something less than this in this article, I sincerely apologize. Please forgive my carelessness. My intention was that of compassion towards all involved, but definitely not trying to excuse the sin of the pastors themselves.
I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to help me clarify this here.
John
Mr. Gunter,
Here it is December and this story is sadly on going. Moral confusion
causes more confusion and hence we see a suicide by the one who
committed adultery…..who failed…..who was overcome with his own
grief. If only he could have found the cleansing repentance and mercy/grace
he needed. He knew the doctrine, the words, but the inner life was
too much in light of his perception that failure meant total darkness
that only suicide could solve. I know that God’s grace is sufficient
to cover Isaac needs to be with Jesus now. God must be crying with us!
Well said. . . thanks for adding this in.