Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
I honestly thought I was done with my thoughts on singleness. However, I had an experience recently which has changed a bit of my thinking. I set out a few months ago to get ALL of my thoughts on singleness on paper. I unimaginatively called the series “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . .)” Very creative, I know.
Recently, I was sitting with a pastor friend of mine. He is a wonderful man, very smart, and has a great heart for the Lord and the work of the Kingdom of God. He has sacrificed for the advance of the Gospel in ways I can’t imagine. We are good friends and meet whenever possible.
As we often do, we met for coffee. We talked of life, our personal issues, and even touched on some theology. He has enjoyed reading the works of John Stott, as I have as well.
Then the conversation took a familiar, yet uncomfortable turn.
My friend has been, and continues to be, VERY worried about my single status. While I make no qualms about my desire to be married one day, it is not something I worry about on a consistent basis. My friend, though, has increasingly been stepping up pressure on me to get married . . . at all costs . . . soon!
This time his method was simple. He was telling me about a new seminary in Asia which was recently started by a very famous and highly regarded pastor. I was thrilled to hear that my friend recently met with this man and had a great experience.
However, my friend then used this occasion to, once again, remind me that I need to get married. He rather smugly informed me that said famous pastor will NOT ALLOW single men to even apply for his new seminary. If you are not married, his rational follows, you are not capable of carrying on a meaningful ministry.
My friend means well; he really does. He genuinely feels marriage is in my best interest. Also, in all of this, there is a good bit of differing cultural dynamics at play. He is from a very different culture than my own, even though I have lived here a long time. I really do understand this as well. Many times I don’t speak up on issues simply chalking it up to differences in cultures.
I would not let this time pass.
I quickly asked my friend if he knew that the recently deceased John Stott, whom he had just been talking about glowingly, never married. He did not know this.
John Stott would not have been allowed entrance into this seminary, though I would be shocked if they don’t use some of his books in classes.
The Apostle Paul was single, I reminded my friend. I guess Paul, author of much of the New Testament, would not be fit to study theology at this new seminary.
I then went there. . . Jesus was single. Things got uneasy when I mentioned this. Not sure I should have pulled this example out, but I did. The conversation was shifted.
I’m writing about this here for two simple reasons.
First, if you are single, don’t allow stupid statements about singleness to affect you or your thinking. Biblically speaking, singleness is just as valid as married life. Singleness has its own innate challenges. However, please don’t allow fallacious beliefs and statements about singleness to take root in your heart and mind, even from well-meaning friends and family.
Second, know the truth about singleness. I am grateful I do. I honestly feel this is important for both single AND married people.
Bottom line; there is NO PREFERRED relational status in God’s eyes. None. There is a clear beauty in marriage and many, many wonderful purposes to marriage. However, know that people are actually encouraged to remain single by Paul himself in 1 Corinthians 7:8. Paul is not saying that being single is better than being married, but he is stating that it an equally useful and legitimate relational status. I wrote more on the Biblical view of singleness here, so I’ll move on.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love my friend immensely. He is a man of integrity, courage, and has a heart for God which I hope to one day emulate. Seriously. However, he is wrong in this area, as well as this other famous pastor.
I just wanted to share this conversation for the benefit of others who might have had similar experiences.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this!
(This is part of my ongoing series called “My thoughts on singleness (a series. . . )“.)
Amen to all of this. Its crazy to me the limitations that humans have placed on “ministers”. Aren’t we ALL called in the Matt 28 to make disciples? It doesn’t matter our age, our being single/married, etc.
My sweet nephews (7 and 5 years) were praying just the other night that the Lord would help them share His name and love with their teammates and everyone they come in contact with. They sure aren’t married and they haven’t hit double digits in years yet, but the Lord is still going to use them because they have a heart for Him.
Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts. Hope you are doing well!
Great stuff, Amy! I haven’t seen them since picking up Mira Ruth. . . can’t believe they are big enough for sports (and mature enough to want to reach out to teammates)!
Great hearing from you and hope you are well.
You know…it says something when I leave family worship challenged by the knowledge and boldness of my nephews. Their hearts are already being formed for the nations. God is truly amazing!
Mara Ruth recently turned 3. Can’t believe we brought her home 2 years ago…seems like she’s always been with the Platt clan.
How’re your parents doing? Miss seeing them.
I can’t believe Mara Ruth is already 3. Amazing. Seems like last month that we were waiting for her to come out of the back area and meet her parents. It was such a privilege and joy to be there with them!
They really are doing well. I miss seeing them, my sisters, and my 8 nieces and nephews a ton, but I am grateful for all the technology which was not around when I first moved over here. Makes being overseas a LITTLE more palatable.
Great hearing from you and have a great weekend!
So…I know my response is a tad bit slow….but I know it really meant a lot to David, Heather, and my mom to have you there with them to get Mara Ruth. All the Gunters hold a special place with the Platts. Hope that you are well!
Thanks Amy. . . same back to you guys!
Singles are hurting these days and I appreciate your honest from the heart sharing. Jeremiah had a tough call of singleness Jer 16:2 but persisted with faith. Though I do not think you are a Jeremiah, you are certainly being used as a prophetic vocie during these times of hardship.
Thanks, Mike! I honestly have never heard that Jeremiah was single. Very interesting.
One of these days we are going to sit down for a few hours over coffee and catch up. . .
Thanks for posting and for speaking with your friend honestly. I too desire to be married, but that’s not where God has me right now. And I trust the Lord that He knows what is best for my life at ALL times. I have had time to develop a relationship with Him that I might not have had being married and having children, and I am thankful for that time. I look forward to growing more each day into the person God has created me to be, whether that means staying single or eventually marrying.
Great words Ann! Thanks for your perspective, heart, and wisdom here.
God bless!
This fired me up John, and I took a walk before responding. Your kindness and patience with this “friend” of yours is legendary. I may not have been as accomodating. I had a lot of similar encounters, and was once asked in front of 300 pastors at a conference “when did you first know you were called to singleness”? I responded with a reference to Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation, offering to staple any of the conference participants’ heads to the carpet if they were interested (it got mixed reviews in the feedback forms 🙂 ). I applaud your response, and hope this friend and others like him come to understand this is a significant flaw that can hinder them in how they minister to or encourage others.
Gosh Tim, glad you weren’t there with me!
I would give a good chunk of change for a video of you at that conference, though.
Haha! Tim’s comments always crack me up. I laugh at the thought of you taking a walk before responding to this.
I completely agree! Tim is quite animated in all of life. I’m certain he had a very funny look on his face for this.
Great hearing from you, Tatuu, and have a great day!
Very interesting thoughts!:) No one should have to feel ashamed that they are single. Yes, the Bible speaks favorably of those that remain single and are able to better focus on Christ and the Great Commission. But that being said, it is rare that someone is called to a life of singleness; to be celibate. If you can’t look into your future without hoping that you’ll one day be married, then odds are you were not “called” to singleness. The Bible speaks of it not being good for man to be alone (ex. Adam and Eve), it also says that “he who finds a wife, finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). And then of course there are the verses from 1 Corinthians 7:1-16
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Once again, I believe it’s rare that someone is called to a life of singleness but it is a gift that I don’t understand because it was not a gift I was give –I desire marriage.
Not to be consumed by the desire to marry.. but I do believe that we as singles should be more proactive than we are at times in searching for a spouse. We should pray more boldly for marriage, put ourselves in places of church service/ministry and get to know other singles of the opposite gender with the intent on one day getting married. See also, Gen 1:28, Psalm 127:4-5
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your article!
Have a blessed day.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. Very good thoughts. I agree with EVERYTHING you are saying here.
Thanks!
Good thoughts as always. As a side note, I attended All Souls church when I lived in London though Stott had retired by then.
Andrew, would love to get there one of these days. Thanks for adding in here.
That famous pastor’s and your friend’s thoughts on singles and singleness are definitely skewed. I hope they will see the truth and accept it soon.
Sometimes I wonder if we believers aren’t our own worst enemies, John. We say some very silly and sometimes damaging things…even to those we care deeply about…even when we mean well. Thankfully when we speak truth, walk in grace & forgiveness and continue to love, we truly live in God’s preferred relational status…as brothers and sisters, his children, the body of Christ. Grace & peace!
I completely agree. I am always shocked at how poorly churches treat pastors and other leadership.
Of course this also applies to singles as well!
It’s helped me to realize often people are (in great genuine love For me/you) react out of their discomfort with our singleness. It’s hard to explain, understand and resolve another’s journey.
It helps me not to react but to invite them into my place of trust in His love and power to do more than I can imagine… and ask them to simple pray God would do what to them seems a loose end. 🙂
He is faithful… and will do it. “It”… bring Himself Glory…and form Christ in me in the process! it’s a win-win! And the can rejoice and learn right alongside.
Those are my thoughts.
Thanks Tammie. Great insight. . . as always!
I never realized John Stott was single. Funny that even as a single Christian myself I still automatically assume most Christians are married (certainly by my age!). This will be a useful bit of knowledge the next time I am pressured about getting married (not because I am in a loving relationship dedicated to the Lord, but because it is just unheard of to be Christian and single over the age of 30). 🙂 It’s hard to argue against an example like Stott. 🙂
I know. . . here is just one article on Stott and singleness.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/augustweb-only/johnstottsingleness.html?paging=off
I know I’m late to the party here, but I just stumbled across your site and wanted to add in my thoughts. I, too, serve overseas as a single, and I remember having several discussions with my previous supervisor on similar topics. Now, my previous supervisor is a very Godly man, and he is only my “previous” supervisor because we now serve in different areas. However, our views on singleness were worlds apart, and I was frequently bothered by his idea that single people were “unbalanced.” By that, he meant that singles tended toward extremes in their thought processes and in their lives because they didn’t have a marriage partner to balance out those views. He based that on his own personal experience of who he was as a single and who he was as a married man. Needless to say, his viewpoint frustrated me, and we had several discussions about it, with me frequently pointing out Paul as an example and asking whether he thought Paul was unbalanced and always getting an affirmative response. In fact, I think everyone – single or married – can have wrong thoughts, and we all need each others’ correction to be restored to right thinking. Those doing the correction don’t have to be spouses; they can be and frequently are simply other believers who walk alongside us in the faith. So I never really understood how it was that only singles were prone to this “unbalanced” thinking.
Sigh… the church often espouses this view of singleness as inferior, seemingly completely disregarding Paul’s exaltation of it as a state that is highly beneficial to the Kingdom, and Jesus’ mention of those who have “made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom.” It is such a shame that the church so often makes singles feel like second-class citizens, rather than those who can and often are highly used of the Lord to further His Kingdom here. Thank you for your service here in Asia, brother. Persevere.
Completely agree on everything you wrote here. Very well said, Kelli.
I will say this, though, the entire phantom of “balance” is also NOT a Biblical notion. I understand the importance, however, I do not see it as a spiritual discipline or as something taught in any sense. It is a psychological construct in the modern west.
Anyway, I do strive towards personal balance, but much as I do in working out in the gym. It is helpful, but it is not ultimate.
Thanks for chiming in and reading!
I’m very happy to have read this article. I honestly avoid relative gatherings because it’s terrible. As I am Asian, they always ask those awkward questions and put pressure. If I say I am not seeing anyone they think I’m weird or abnormal. Recently I attended a relative’s wedding, and I was very surprised….no one grilled me on my status. I guess when you reach a certain age they give up on you or they forget to ask because they are getting older lol.
I am learning to be content with my single status more now but I find that it’s harder for women to go through singlness than men because men don’t really have a deadline to meet in terms of their biology; women do..and at a certain age women start to get anxious or sad because they are still not married. I know because I have friends in their early/mid 40s who have mourned over not being married.
Carmen
Yes, I love my friends, but their insistence upon me getting married gets very tiring. I know their heart is honestly for my best, but not crazy about the way they go about expressing their heart towards me in this. Thank for letting me know of your situation!
Hi John,
I was reading your blog a while ago and now as i am probably going to hold a seminar on singleness i came back to your blog as a resource and i found that you have continued the series, which is great! I truly consider your blog the best resource available on this topic. So thank you so much for taking the time and taking the risk of being very open! There is one topic which i did not find here (or maybe i just missed it). It is the shame of being single. Or maybe you have not struggled with it. If you have some thoughts on the topic, would you like to share?
About this post i just wanted to say, that this is pure manipulation that your friend does here. Although he means well, he still tries to manipulate you into something he thinks is good for you. And i think he tries to trick you into something you are already in. You have said several times that you want to marry. If the purpose of this manipulation would be to change your values from not wanting to marry to wanting to marry then there might be a point, but you already want to marry, so you are already there where he wants to get you.
Now talking about he wanting you to marry as quickly as possible, i think it is not godly and it is not biblical. I think your purpose is to marry with God’s timing to the person God wants you to marry. Is it right? And i think if your friend thought about it, he would probably agree that following God’s plan and God’s will is the best. As quickly as possible is normally not God’s plan. God is the one who loves to put people to wait (think about Abraham waiting for a son, Joseph in prison, David waiting to become the king after being anointed, the nation of Israel waiting for the Messiah, after getting all the prophesies and promises). Some people wait for the answer from God in one and other people in some other issue. Oh, how i hate the wait, but God seems to have a good plan and doing good work in our lives through it. There is a truly great book on waiting, Bob Sorge’s “The fire of delayed answers”.
Many blessings in everything you do!
“Bottom line; there is NO PREFERRED relational status in God’s eyes. None.”
Yep. Too bad so many people refuse to get that. It’s doubly tiresome when it’s friends like yours, who are in leadership and who should know better.This unbiblical discrimination against singles in ministry is appalling. I didn’t even know about it until a few years ago!
I guess neither Jesus or Paul would’ve been good enough for such people.