Thank you for all of your feedback on my last post, The inevitable pain of loneliness . . . I am going to write a follow-up to it in a few days. However, here I wanted to get some of my thoughts down on a different subject that is important to me.
A little while back, I was trying to help a friend in a very difficult situation with his wife. They are back in America and not even from Atlanta, so I don’t have the advantage of seeing them on a regular basis. However, it was clear to me, as is the case pretty much with all such instances, that there was blame to be laid on both parties. The husband was in a rough situation, no doubt. However, he was also part of the problem.
I tried to help out as best I could. I tried to sympathize with him on where he had been wronged by his wife, and she clearly had wronged him. He appreciated this. However, when I also tried to get him to own some of his fault in the situation, he immediately rebuffed and became angry with me.
“You don’t understand me. . . you don’t understand my situation!” he literally yelled at me. When I asked him who does understand his situation and even tried to point him to others whom I thought could help them out, he then let me know that NO ONE understood his situation.
I am not married. I did not completely understand his situation. However, my friend had fallen into what is clearly one of the biggest and most detrimental lies you can tell yourself. . . “I am different. No one understands MY situation. If they only understood MY situation, they would see that I am right.” This line of thinking is absolute cancer to an individual. Unfortunately, I find that it is quite widespread, not just in marriage, but in all aspects of life.
This attitude is detrimental for many reasons, but here are a few that I can think of now.
- Isolates – By having the attitude “no one understands me/my situation,” people completely isolate themselves from others whom could potentially help them. More than this, you put yourself into a self-imposed prison where you convince yourself that you are alone. There is a neurotic comfort in isolation, but it is sad and pathetic in life.
- Breeds selfishness – It enables you to pass off anyone else’s opinion and to do only what you deem as correct. By saying, “no one understands my situation”, you are giving yourself free reign to do exactly what you want to do and pass off anything else as stupid and/or ignorant. This breeds extreme selfishness.
- Arrogant – In the end, “no one understands me” is the outworking of extreme narcissism. You are such the center of your own world that you convince yourself that you, in fact are “special” in your existence. It is arrogant to say this phrase. You belittle those around you by assuming your problems are beyond them. You are ultimately putting yourself above the others around you.
- Enables you to not listen to anyone else – Continuing on with this being a form or arrogance, by convincing yourself that “no one understands my situation” you are enabling yourself to simply ignore everyone else’s input around you. If someone tries to speak truth into your life, you simply blow it off.
- Gives you an out to treat people poorly (especially your spouse and family) – People whom honestly believe that “no one understands my situation” are generally mean people. They embrace this attitude because they either want to wallow in self-pity over a difficult situation or they want justification to treat other people poorly. This is often the attitude that people use to justify leaving their marriage.
In areas of life purpose, we will lose out if we allow ourselves to believe this lie that “no one understands me.” We all need others help us grow in life. We all need others to keep us focused and lift us up when (not if) we fall. When we believe this lie, we isolate others and will not be open for others to help us.
In areas of leadership, when someone buys into this lie, then they will be “uncoachable” in most, if not all of their jobs and in their life in general. These people can’t be led, because they don’t think others have anything to lead them through. Since “no one understands ME”, I will seek out and listen to no one else about anything.
Please avoid this attitude at all costs, as I know I have had to in my own life. It is an easy trap to fall into. Know that ultimately “there is nothing new under the sun.”
Great words John, as I believe most of us all fall into this trap – at least as it relates to having “cornered the market on some unique truth or life circumstance” that God has given to me (good or bad) that no one else seems to understand. I know I’m guilty of this.
What I’ve found in myself that is that this is rooted in a sense of entitlement.
“I have spoken clearly and profoundly about this issue/circumstance – I deserve to be understood!”
I haven’t said that to myself verbatim, but I think it’s at the root of how I feel sometimes – its an ugly thing to see inside one’s self.
As I learn to be expectant only of Christ for unconditional love and understanding, I’m able to become more aware of my sin when I find myself “feeling” misunderstood by others.
Howie, great points! I had not taken the entitled angle, but completely concur with you. Hope you and the family are well!
John, I would encourage you to go beyond sympathy in the situation with your friend and more towards empathy. Your comment that you “tried to get him to own some of his fault in the situation” actually pushes him more towards the attitude which you are trying to avoid and to which you write about. The goal would be that your friend can recognize his own issues, get them out in the open and then deal with them. That takes a tremendous amount of empathy, grace, forgiveness and love from someone or hopefully some multitude of people. Pointing out his faults, while it may work to help some feel guilty enough to change, likely will not produce the longer term personally initiated transformation that is sustainable. The attitude you write about is no doubt detrimental but this person does need to understood and also needs to feel understood.
I completely agree, Ferg, however, in this situation, he had a ton of people loving him and not saying a word. Nobody was courageous enough to say the hard things, as everyone was trying to simply maintain peace. I regret if this article came off as cold and unempathetic. Actually, I waited posting it for several months, as I was fearful that it might be perceived exactly as you say here. I really do appreciate you writing this, as honestly, it was not my purpose of push people away.
However, I do feel that for brothers in faith, we sometimes need to be the voice of healthy, even difficult reason, in addition to the warm embrace of acceptance. In the case where a friend is simply hurting other people by their own choices and attitudes (as in this case) and where grace and empathy have been employed time and time again (as in this case), then there comes a time where you are doing them no favor by letting things pass. I feared for this friend in particular. I feared he would torch his marriage and deeply regret it years later. Therefore, I did feel a need to enter in in a very direct matter.
Ferg, again thanks for your comment. Very genuine and very correct. In the end, this post only covered a very small portion of my interactions with this particular friend (one whom is doing better and we are still in regular contact). I am committed to loving him, no matter what. However, my relationship with him needs to be strong enough to let him know when I perceive he is making serious mistakes, as was this situation I used as an illustration. I hope he and others have the freedom to do the same to me in other such situations.
Thanks again and hope things are well!
John, a healthy voice of reason is always needed, however my focus is more on helping one prepare to receive that message. Speaking from my own situation, it took years of preparation before I would be able to let down my defenses and also, more importantly, begin to make my own decisions about life. By sharing your values and what you claim to be “healthy”, whether it ultimately maybe be or not, does not always benefit the listener. He may have a history of living for other people and pretending to maintain a set of values that will appease others and shape their view of himself. If this is the case, his acceptance of your instruction would likely lead him further down that path. The goal would be to love him to the point where he can make those decisions for himself. Along the way you can ask him questions that put him in a better position to form his own values and not those of yourself or others. I would not consider this “letting things pass.” A good saying I heard once is that “hurt people hurt people.” Their hurt needs to be dealt with first before moving on to the hurt they are causing.
I found in my situation that often people had a need to rinse their own hands so they would not feel guilty. Several people around me and mainly those in the church had a “plan” to follow and all the steps needed to be covered and once that happened they could release themselves from responsibility and then I could suffer the consequences. Actually, they just either didn’t know how to go down the long road or weren’t willing to do so. Instead of demanding the relationship be strong enough to handle your critique perhaps you need to be strong enough to hold your evaluations until they are asked for or until you are certain the receiver is a good place to receive them.
I would go as far as to evaluate your actions based on the results and not what you subjectively determine to be the “right” or “healthy” thing. If your words pushed him further away, how long is it going to take until that heals. Personal relationships are complicated, difficult and go through many phases. What seems one day to be the straight and narrow may actually lead to destruction.
I am speaking subjectively with no details on what your friend actually needs, but I stand by my statements.
Ferg, again I really, really do appreciate you taking time to interact with me on this subject. As I already stated, I feared it would come off as harsh (which apparently my fear was well founded), but I posted it anyway.
I honestly think we are talking about two different things here. I am simply advocating for a Biblical posture of bringing people into your life in areas of personal blindness and accepting that we are part of a blessed community, not merely autonomous beings.
Of course everything we do ought to be done in and through humility, gentleness, and grace. Legitimate relationships are long-term mutually committed covenants which help people work through hard areas through thick and thin.
I also completely agree with you in that “hurt people hurt people.” Great quote which I have also heard and re-quoted often. However, in areas of authentic friendship, I don’t believe it has to be mutually exclusive. You can both reach out to the hurt AND those whom the hurt are hurting. This is what I am advocating.
In the case of my friend, he was making autonomous decisions which were causing real pain to his wife and children. I also felt a responsibility to them. So, while reaching out to him, I also felt a need to work in helping him see the reality that his actions had the potential of long-term, irrevocable damage to those whom he loved the most.
In fact, my words did push him further away from me, temporarily. However, they also got him closer to his family and in dealing with the real issues he was walking through (and avoiding). Eventually, he got to a better place. He is doing much better with his family and has come back to me in friendship. Our friendship is stronger than before, even though we rarely see each other.
So, again, thanks for all of your thoughts on this post! It has been helpful for me in both thinking more through this topic and in teaching me how to better communicate my thoughts through this blog in the future. I will be more gracious, for sure, and when communicating hard things, I will take up more space explaining my heart and the backdrop of the circumstances.
Thanks Ferg and hope you are well!
Thanks! I really needed this today, and I’m going to print this out and give it to a few friends. Hope they will benefit from it too.
Thanks Melody…great hearing from you!
John, I enjoyed your words of wisdom and insight. You are spot on with how this lie is used by Satan to create alienation and isolation from other people and God. The post from Ferg and your reply are insights that must be understood for truth like this to enable change in our lives. It is both grace and truth that produces the change God desires in our lives, and through our lives.
Thanks for your insight and being so open in your authentic walk with Christ. You have always been a great friend in this way to people God places in your life. I pray the Lord to continue to bless you and keep you, and make His face shine upon you this day.
Love your friend and brother Danny
Danny, thanks for your input and words here. I am serious when I say that rarely does a week or so go by without me quoting you and/or telling of something I have learned from you to others over here. Hope you are well!
I randomly read this verse last night just after reading your post. “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” -Proverbs 18:1
Great one, Andrew…as always, thanks for adding to thaws posts with your input!
There is certainly some truth to what you are saying, and the degree of truth and applicability will vary from situation to situation. Most likely, in the majority of situations you encounter, the assertions you’re making are valid enough.
Nevertheless, it’s a mistake to frame these assertions as a universal truth. It’s dangerous, too.
To what degree can I really understand what a friend who is battling cancer is going through if I have never really faced Death myself, or even suffered from a major illness. If I’m white, how deeply am I capable of empathizing with a black friend’s life-long struggles with racism?
In the most literal sense possible, a profoundly gifted child who can’t make friends because “no one understands me” is absolutely right. People with IQs hovering around 100 are no more going to understand the thoughts, perspectives, opinions, problems, and values of a person with an IQ of 190 than an institutionalized individual with an IQ of 25 is going to understand them. Quite literally.
This “truth” is purely and quintessentially relative.
Good point. This is definitely not a “one size fits all” scenario. Thanks for pointing this out.
I still stand behind the general premise, but it cannot be universally applied.